It has been a while since I have posted. I have been a busy little rabbit. I have been getting my first self published book on as many shelves as humanly possible. The whole process has left me feeling defeated and exhausted. Looking at covers, themes, layouts, text size, page size, book dimensions, pictures, and of course word editing. True to Mel form I play a tight game and I refused to pay for an editor. I was offered this option many times over but I did not take it. Was this a mistake? I am not sure as the days and weeks have rolled past I have come to think it might have been a good idea to pay someone to correct my clearly unprofessional writing. Now the reason I didn’t want an editor, was for one, I am tight. Yes it is true! I was once told something not very politically correct, ‘Mel I swear there is Jew in you,’ I maybe tight but it is a case of having to be. Secondly, I love writing and yes I wanted my son’s story in the form of a book. Could I have just got one copy for me and my son and the world would be none the wiser? Perhaps but then the journey, ‘little feet,’ included so many family members that watched the same events unfold and felt the same fear and joy. How could I deprive any family member their own personal connection with my son?
The vanity issue, for me it was not really vanity. I was in fact terrified of sending my writing out into the big wide world, (past my blog anyway) I worry I would get tracked down and shot by the Grammar nartzi. However, my son was very excited to have a book that was about him. He was excited; He wanted to hold it in his hands, to take it to school, to read it during his silent reading and to show his friends. I continued the editing process. I did gain some help. I asked my old English tutor to proof read and correct mistakes that she see. I left the manuscript with her for a week. By this time I had already received 3 proof copies, all with different layouts and covers to choose from. I showed these around and there seemed to be a collective of what cover was favourite. Once I got my marked manuscript back I was a tad disappointed to see so much red ink on the pages. Rewording, spelling, grammar, writing tense and accountability to the people named in the book. This made me tired and all I wanted to do was take a nap. I left it for a couple of days.
My son asked me again when the book will be ready and asked me if he could take one of the proof copies. I quickly said no, knowing that the proof copies where pre proofread and were riddled with mistakes. I told him to wait a little longer. So 10 pm on that Friday night after he went to bed I spent the entire night, no lie, the whole night editing from the marked manuscript. I was tired; I had not pulled an all nighter for years. I went to bed around 5.30 but the file on my computer was bothering me.
Around 11am Saturday morning I went back to the book. I read it again and checked one last time for any mistakes. I then uploaded that file to the site that was going to print the book. I redesigned the cover to what most people liked and then, crunch time. Do I want another proof copy sent before final publishing? This moment for me was difficult. I had been told repeatedly about mistakes made in the proof books. So that had me hovering over the yes button before I thought bollocks.
Every single time I went back to the file on my computer I changed something. I reworded things on the idea of someone reading it and what they thought of my grammar and spelling and such. I got myself so wound up and upset that I just said, ‘That is it,’ I simply clicked, ‘no’ and tadaa my book was available on amazon.com ready to buy.
Since then my own copy of the book has been received and after reading a few pages what did my eyes find? Yep, a mistake, a word missing, a fuck up. I can not tell you how heavy this played on my mind and in my heart. Again it is decision time. But not yet as I have the option to add more sites to my distribution and I had clicked that button without hesitation. So if I go back and redo the whole process again I have wait more time, spent more hours reading, re-reading, and probably changing my writing. By this time it felt like the point of the book was lost.
I took some time and spoke to some friends and questioned what should I do. I am fully aware that if the general public happen to buy this book, they might not like the price and then to read a book that has mistakes in it? This fact, again hung heavy on my shoulders in my tummy and in my heart.
The writing of little feet was a personal project, my feelings, my life, my son, my family and my thoughts are all on display. I thought about it for a while and I thought no, noooooooo. I had written on the first 2 pages, a quote,
“I wondered for a while where I should start this story from. I believe that this starting point is a key moment in my life. I felt I would make an attempt to recall the run up and start of my son’s life and my own journey into motherhood. This story might not be fantastic and you may find spelling and grammar mistakes but it is all true and real. I feel I should warn readers that there is a little bit of swearing. I hope that you enjoy the ‘Little Feet’, the first part of my recollection of the events.”
I warned that it was not perfect. I warn that I am a novice at this but that the story means more than whether I placed a comer in the right place or spelt a word wrong. The story matters to me but with people paying money should the presentation matter more?
The whole process has caused many sleepless nights and a lot of stress and worry. However, that all went away last night, when I watched my son, sitting reading his own story. When I see him I felt peace as that was what all this was about. I have given my son something only I could give him.
So for me, the book sales, grammar, spelling, swearing and poor writing aside, it is the story that matters.
