Just as I think that I am getting a handle on which I am
something will come along and give me a jolt off my ‘proposed’ plan. I say proposed
as I thought for sometime that I knew my direction and knew who I was and where
I was going. So the ideals that I have been convincing myself off for many many
years are all suddenly coming apart at the seams. Not just silly little thing
but massive things too.
One of my ideals was towards the army and I had uttered the
words, “I would never date a Squaddie.” I would never condone what the army
represents. This is a 'me' issue and I am aware of what and why. Now I am faced
with the idea that my son wants to join the army. This is still processing in
my mind. MORE ABOUT MY KIDS
I always thought I was open minded until recently. And….
I never thought I would even entertain the idea of having
another child but my heart is holding on to the idea with both hands and
nothing in my mind is letting my heart let go of that. Even the really negative
shit I think and feel is not swaying my heart. Having said that I do question
if my ‘mental health’ is in the right place, my doctor has now confused my mind
even more. He said some things that sent another earth shattering reality
through me. I have to learn some more things about myself and who I am
in a relationship.
My age and the fact I have many lovely cuddles with my new
nephew Harry....
WELCOME HARRY....
He is sooooo amazing so beautiful soooo wonderful. My brother and sis-in law done an awesome job. Love you all so much xoxoxo
I really want to have a baby with my lovely boyfriend Dave!
I really want more kids!
I can only refer back through my previous blogs when I think
about Mel vs. Melissa and that I am still struggling with the balance. Will
this balance ever really level out>? Life changes every day so I guess that
means I need to be willing to change every day. Change scares me as I worry
that feelings will change and I will lose something/ someone close to me as
their life, feelings, thoughts will change and that will in effect – effect me.
So learning to be self sufficient without being reliant on
one other person is a task but being true to me without being selfish is what
is needed. I want to move forward with my life without feelings of guilt. I
have not spoke much about my role in my family on my blog but I feel there is
expectation of me to do the right thing but part of me always wants to rebel
and do what my heart is screaming. Life has taught me to think about what I am
doing and to take my time even when my heart is aching to push forward.
I had some pretty fucked up dreams over the last 2 weeks.
Sleep pattern totally mangled as I was waiting for Harry to arrive. One of the
fucked up dreams I had I was asking myself, “What can I do today to help me
feel better?” And so I compiled a list.
I can not share my list as its private shit :p lol
