I moan constantly about nobody’s listening. So as I sit in my hypercritical stance when I don’t want to listen.
She took the bottle of actifed she drank that shit straight down. Letting the thick cherry liquid land on her tongue.
Just need she says
Fuck this.. lots to do tomorrow. She rolls another fag while the effects rumble down her body, light headed arms feeling heavy. Eyes rolling back now and then. Bed time. She lays in her clothes and tells herself a story.
Dear loveable
I don’t know you really. I know a part of you. I kept an eye on you see what you been doing.
What I remember. We stopped talking. I asked you outright not to talk to me ever again.
You said you respect that. And fucked off.
Then you came back a few years later- Barry Weldon’s forum.
We posted on stuff sent cryptic messages till we spoke. You had moved away, rich was still at the house but the kids were coming to live with you soon.
Then you and a guy called doggs worked on a bingo site balls up bingo I think. You cashed in and got a little sports car! Bitch
You took your kids to Disney world Florida and you got married in a church. You moved again, you got a dog you stupidly let someone film you doing the cinnamon challenge! I’ve seen more vomit come out of you than my own kids!
You dealt with some family stuff you became a nanny.
You got great at your job
You maintained relationships and friendships you done well with your kids.
You have lived a life I watched it over the years. I knew not to accept that message I left it too long. It was either going to be the best fucking thing that could happen or the worst.
She laid down as slips her socks off, head wobbling stoped but must keep that lamp on.
We spoke on the phone a few years later I was sleeping with a guy called Paul. You spoke to him. How him and I met was via poker.
That was a pretty low point in my life your phone call pushed my feelings for Paul in a place he couldn’t go ( ex n kids) so I left that. Didn’t want to hear the words he had for me either. Luckily by the time I read his it was years past and I could drop that shit for good. I tried to be your friend but I then see my level of friend to you wasn’t as higher standards as I had. I wanted more. I pouted and moved on. Ignoring your email you sent ‘ thinking about you’
I think about you a lot. The last few days nickie nickie nickie so I left a message to say goodbye. I couldn’t just go without explanation.
But once I see awww Mel I am sorry it was nothing intentional. I respect your being candid with me. Thank you Nik I say something nice then that’s it. I message my cousin screen shot my go away message.
I see more messages coming up from Nik so I back out and delete messenger.
The messages 3 of them will be read but not by me. They will read them and tell me anything I need to know but other than that. Deleted. Stay away and leave me alone.
Eyes heavily open to see a random slow song on the vintage channel.
House of the rising sun. What could she have wanted to say in those three messages. I am sorry? That’s what my mind is pickling. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. My cousin will read them, delete them and tell me anything I need to know.
Then that’s that. If she sends another message request. Don’t accept it.
It’s done now. Please don’t ever talk to me again.
Names have been changed to make this storie more dramatic than it is.
Monday 9 October 2017
Friday 16 June 2017
ALWAYS CHANGING
Got to. Or you gunna get st.. st.. stuck!
stuck looking back. stuck in the past, stuck in the 90's. stuck in an idea, stuck in a place, stuck in a situation, stuck stuck fuckerdy stuck!
got to move forward. need to clean out the shit and rubbish that has been bogging down my essence, the spirit with nostalgic memories and feelings connected to item's and songs and everything that remind you of something you really need to let go of.
new eyes on a new sheet of paper. a new pen, a new book, new attitude, new outlook new results!
lets not forget the results.
this is the uncertainty that stops everyone in the tracks!
what if it don't work? what if i fail? what if i look like a twat?
what the fuck if!
i salute you with my right middle finger dear old friend. i listen to you so often it makes me sick to think how you ever had one over on me! i am the smartest person in the world! how did this happen??
firstly he told me that i was the smartest person in the world and not to listen to other people as they have no conception of why i am, well me. he used to be her. but she died and he took over. the darkness that nuzzles against me like a warm coat on a very cold day. it waits. it has no concept of time so i can't out wait it! i had to smash that bastard out my way. took some time. took some strength, took an unsettling deeper look at myself and my behaviours. took hard work, all that forgiving, all that guilt. all that negative shit that started to clog up the hallways. throw that fucking shit out!
easy said now. not so much. still in the throws of getting shit right so my work is not done yet. I might have my big toe on the correct path but only my big toe! trying. everyday i am trying.
I like to write and blog about things i ponder. i like to ask the questions out loud. i like to hear what people say. I sit in a room with no windows watching others do it better and quicker and more successful than me. I turned bitter i got twisted i started to see things differently. then i started to look harder. i am not sure if i found what i was 'looking for' so much as i found somewhere i can be. in the past i have been too extreme and too intense, too one thing or another. I am Melissa. call me Mel. i can say i fit in with most people and i am scared shitless of everyone else. i stay lonesome and outside but i am actually OK here. I wish i wasn't OK with it. i find it all so hard. its like added on top of what everyone else can do with such ease and i feel like i am not human at times.
bit heavy but all the same. i started to look at life. look it through a lense. could my life, me and my stupid adventures be seen as entertainment? insightful? learning curve!? having an individual view point of something that is worldwide is misunderstood. some people see an argument or an uncomfortable conversation will irrupt from disagreeing with someone.
people get excited by disagreements now. we like to watch people get savage with each other as it makes us feel less shame for thinking, oh fuck off! i love you but please fuck off and leave me alone. or i don't like you. I don't like your attitude or the way you talk to people. or about people. we all do it, I try and apologize to most that i knowingly do it to. but human over here! makes mistakes. fucks ups repeatedly! and so the results show themselves. I am trying and that is all that matters. I get to try do it right most days. sometimes i fail. i am human. luckily we get to choose, change and challenge ourselves.
welcome to a new domain that it my little world. with life through a lense.
I have to leave this without a grammar edit as the door is driving me nuts. only had a few minutes till i had to get on!
stuck looking back. stuck in the past, stuck in the 90's. stuck in an idea, stuck in a place, stuck in a situation, stuck stuck fuckerdy stuck!
got to move forward. need to clean out the shit and rubbish that has been bogging down my essence, the spirit with nostalgic memories and feelings connected to item's and songs and everything that remind you of something you really need to let go of.
new eyes on a new sheet of paper. a new pen, a new book, new attitude, new outlook new results!
lets not forget the results.
this is the uncertainty that stops everyone in the tracks!
what if it don't work? what if i fail? what if i look like a twat?
what the fuck if!
i salute you with my right middle finger dear old friend. i listen to you so often it makes me sick to think how you ever had one over on me! i am the smartest person in the world! how did this happen??
firstly he told me that i was the smartest person in the world and not to listen to other people as they have no conception of why i am, well me. he used to be her. but she died and he took over. the darkness that nuzzles against me like a warm coat on a very cold day. it waits. it has no concept of time so i can't out wait it! i had to smash that bastard out my way. took some time. took some strength, took an unsettling deeper look at myself and my behaviours. took hard work, all that forgiving, all that guilt. all that negative shit that started to clog up the hallways. throw that fucking shit out!
easy said now. not so much. still in the throws of getting shit right so my work is not done yet. I might have my big toe on the correct path but only my big toe! trying. everyday i am trying.
I like to write and blog about things i ponder. i like to ask the questions out loud. i like to hear what people say. I sit in a room with no windows watching others do it better and quicker and more successful than me. I turned bitter i got twisted i started to see things differently. then i started to look harder. i am not sure if i found what i was 'looking for' so much as i found somewhere i can be. in the past i have been too extreme and too intense, too one thing or another. I am Melissa. call me Mel. i can say i fit in with most people and i am scared shitless of everyone else. i stay lonesome and outside but i am actually OK here. I wish i wasn't OK with it. i find it all so hard. its like added on top of what everyone else can do with such ease and i feel like i am not human at times.
bit heavy but all the same. i started to look at life. look it through a lense. could my life, me and my stupid adventures be seen as entertainment? insightful? learning curve!? having an individual view point of something that is worldwide is misunderstood. some people see an argument or an uncomfortable conversation will irrupt from disagreeing with someone.
people get excited by disagreements now. we like to watch people get savage with each other as it makes us feel less shame for thinking, oh fuck off! i love you but please fuck off and leave me alone. or i don't like you. I don't like your attitude or the way you talk to people. or about people. we all do it, I try and apologize to most that i knowingly do it to. but human over here! makes mistakes. fucks ups repeatedly! and so the results show themselves. I am trying and that is all that matters. I get to try do it right most days. sometimes i fail. i am human. luckily we get to choose, change and challenge ourselves.
welcome to a new domain that it my little world. with life through a lense.
I have to leave this without a grammar edit as the door is driving me nuts. only had a few minutes till i had to get on!
Friday 24 March 2017
Facebook according to me - Melissa Swaby and soon to give birth to a pen name and Character this will be my alter ego! My writer persona! My everything Mel too pussy to say!
So Facebook has become a very fascinating psychological study. Soon 'they' will issue some kind of bullshit study suggesting noticing certain behaviour. 'They' will teach joe public to notice some things about a persons profile. 'They' will constantly change the goal posts!
Firstly 'they' - probably a PhD connected to the government that has make up from some kind of agency they looks for 'suspicious internet activities.'
Secondly - this will be issued as a 'help keep safe online' they might even throw a 'for you and your family.' Spin in order to plant the seed everywhere!
Thirdly you can't have a final conclusion about something that is constantly used and can evolve in an incredible manner.
Serious how can you a, have a concussion in a study? And b, base fact over an individuals idea. That second one wasn't a question!
The idea,
Excellent idea! Perfect for old and young absolute genius is Facebook!
Sadly it can be used by predators looking for there pray. So the psychological profile of a bullshitting sociopath can be created.
Like myself - going to invent an alter ego- she will be a person - in my head- but am I that good a writer, psychological profile wannabe that I could fool people in thinking I was something I wanted you to see! Again sounds like a question but it wasn't!
Everyone on Facebook that uses it to stay connected- and I say that as there are people that have a Facebook profile bit literally never use Facebook or will scroll a feed once a week to 'get the low down.' On the people they have on there friends or people they like to know about. So almost everyone;) posts 'something' that shouts out something about how they think!
You are thinking now eh?! Are you a sociopath? Almost everyone is! We have to be. Anyway that's a different post!
How many people do you know that post selfies every- fucking day? According to some moron - these 'types of people' are narcissist!
Would YOU agree?
And again, 'apparently' some muggy melt suggests, 'a dissatisfied person' will post constant pictures of animals! Did you know that?
Haha course you didn't because I just made that up! But now you think about you know I am probably right on some level!
Anyway I don't really care if you do agree or not. This is Facebook according to me Melissa Swaby soon to be....
TS
P.S I know I sound like I have conspiracy theory! ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So Facebook has become a very fascinating psychological study. Soon 'they' will issue some kind of bullshit study suggesting noticing certain behaviour. 'They' will teach joe public to notice some things about a persons profile. 'They' will constantly change the goal posts!
Firstly 'they' - probably a PhD connected to the government that has make up from some kind of agency they looks for 'suspicious internet activities.'
Secondly - this will be issued as a 'help keep safe online' they might even throw a 'for you and your family.' Spin in order to plant the seed everywhere!
Thirdly you can't have a final conclusion about something that is constantly used and can evolve in an incredible manner.
Serious how can you a, have a concussion in a study? And b, base fact over an individuals idea. That second one wasn't a question!
The idea,
Excellent idea! Perfect for old and young absolute genius is Facebook!
Sadly it can be used by predators looking for there pray. So the psychological profile of a bullshitting sociopath can be created.
Like myself - going to invent an alter ego- she will be a person - in my head- but am I that good a writer, psychological profile wannabe that I could fool people in thinking I was something I wanted you to see! Again sounds like a question but it wasn't!
Everyone on Facebook that uses it to stay connected- and I say that as there are people that have a Facebook profile bit literally never use Facebook or will scroll a feed once a week to 'get the low down.' On the people they have on there friends or people they like to know about. So almost everyone;) posts 'something' that shouts out something about how they think!
You are thinking now eh?! Are you a sociopath? Almost everyone is! We have to be. Anyway that's a different post!
How many people do you know that post selfies every- fucking day? According to some moron - these 'types of people' are narcissist!
Would YOU agree?
And again, 'apparently' some muggy melt suggests, 'a dissatisfied person' will post constant pictures of animals! Did you know that?
Haha course you didn't because I just made that up! But now you think about you know I am probably right on some level!
Anyway I don't really care if you do agree or not. This is Facebook according to me Melissa Swaby soon to be....
TS
P.S I know I sound like I have conspiracy theory! ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday 23 March 2017
Talk to who about writing?
Who? Who do I talk to about writing?
I need to re-package my amazon page, pic on front and back, a full mind numbing edit and re arrange maybe a title change! My name change a re self publish process that is both painful and can be expensive!
I need to give it another chance with a new look and more stories in a bigger book of short stories. It's not like I've not got any! I have so many! In pen and on computers! I say computers because I have a file on my old desktop computer but it's broke and fuck knows how you get the hard drive out and in some place else! Again painful, expensive!
Where to start?
Need to PAY an editor to reset my mistakes, then pay the publishing service for a proof copy!
Do I know how to get picked up by a publisher? Kind of ish maybe I used to know how. Just a manuscript written in 10 aerial font with 1 and a half inch border around the outside ( for editor) and correct grammatical and punctual paragraphs that need to be set out in a very particular way! Oh yes the joys. Why I've been stalling to be honest. So I can do this on the cheap!! Fuck yea!! Easy! Erm
Anyone want to edit my work? For nothing? Or some cupcakes? Hair cut??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I need to re-package my amazon page, pic on front and back, a full mind numbing edit and re arrange maybe a title change! My name change a re self publish process that is both painful and can be expensive!
I need to give it another chance with a new look and more stories in a bigger book of short stories. It's not like I've not got any! I have so many! In pen and on computers! I say computers because I have a file on my old desktop computer but it's broke and fuck knows how you get the hard drive out and in some place else! Again painful, expensive!
Where to start?
Need to PAY an editor to reset my mistakes, then pay the publishing service for a proof copy!
Do I know how to get picked up by a publisher? Kind of ish maybe I used to know how. Just a manuscript written in 10 aerial font with 1 and a half inch border around the outside ( for editor) and correct grammatical and punctual paragraphs that need to be set out in a very particular way! Oh yes the joys. Why I've been stalling to be honest. So I can do this on the cheap!! Fuck yea!! Easy! Erm
Anyone want to edit my work? For nothing? Or some cupcakes? Hair cut??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:La la land
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