Friday, 16 June 2017

ALWAYS CHANGING

Got to. Or you gunna get st.. st.. stuck!
stuck looking back. stuck in the past, stuck in the 90's. stuck in an idea, stuck in a place, stuck in a situation, stuck stuck fuckerdy stuck!
got to move forward. need to clean out the shit and rubbish that has been bogging down my essence, the spirit with nostalgic memories and feelings connected to item's and songs and everything that remind you of something you really need to let go of.
new eyes on a new sheet of paper. a new pen, a new book, new attitude, new outlook new results!
lets not forget the results.
this is the uncertainty that stops everyone in the tracks!
what if it don't work? what if i fail? what if i look like a twat?
what the fuck if!
i salute you with my right middle finger dear old friend. i listen to you so often it makes me sick to think how you ever had one over on me! i am the smartest person in the world! how did this happen??
firstly he told me that i was the smartest person in the world and not to listen to other people as they have no conception of why i am, well me. he used to be her. but she died and he took over. the darkness that nuzzles against me like a warm coat on a very cold day. it waits. it has no concept of time so i can't out wait it! i had to smash that bastard out my way. took some time. took some strength, took an unsettling deeper look at myself and my behaviours. took hard work, all that forgiving, all that guilt. all that negative shit that started to clog up the hallways. throw that fucking shit out!
easy said now. not so much. still in the throws of getting shit right so my work is not done yet. I might have my big toe on the correct path but only my big toe! trying. everyday i am trying.
I like to write and blog about things i ponder. i like to ask the questions out loud. i like to hear what people say. I sit in a room with no windows watching others do it better and quicker and more successful than me. I turned bitter i got twisted i started to see things differently. then i started to look harder. i am not sure if i found what i was 'looking for' so much as i found somewhere i can be. in the past i have been too extreme and too intense, too one thing or another. I am Melissa. call me Mel. i can say i fit in with most people and i am scared shitless of everyone else. i stay lonesome and outside but i am actually OK here. I wish i wasn't OK with it. i find it all so hard. its like added on top of what everyone else can do with such ease and i feel like i am not human at times.
bit heavy but all the same. i started to look at life. look it through a lense. could my life, me and my stupid adventures be seen as entertainment? insightful? learning curve!? having an individual view point of something that is worldwide is misunderstood.  some people see an argument or an uncomfortable conversation will irrupt from disagreeing with someone.
people get excited by disagreements now. we like to watch people get savage with each other as it makes us feel less shame for thinking, oh fuck off! i love you but please fuck off and leave me alone. or i don't like you. I don't like your attitude or the way you talk to people. or about people. we all do it, I try and apologize to most that i knowingly do it to. but human over here! makes mistakes. fucks ups repeatedly! and so the results show themselves. I am trying and that is all that matters. I get to try do it right most days. sometimes i fail. i am human. luckily we get to choose, change and challenge ourselves.
welcome to a new domain that it my little world. with life through a lense.

I have to leave this without a grammar edit as the door is driving me nuts. only had a few minutes till i had to get on!

No comments:

Post a Comment