OVERWEIGHT PART THREE - THE END

Smelly bitches! Wow stink fest!

Sigh* yes there is more. I know right. I don’t blog for 2 months and then bam bam bam I knock out 3 in one morning. I figured fuck it, just let it all go.

So basically I have to stop hating me, or hating the new me. Or stop hating the fact that the real me has flaws. It is funny thing forgiveness. More recently my mum and I had a conversation about forgiveness and holding grudges. Something’s are hard to let go of. Even if I went around to each and every person I had done shitty things to or said shitty things to or behaved in a shitty way towards (if they would even talk to me) would I be able to forgive myself for the things I have done?

That is the question I am working on this week.

That brings me on to the other more dominating stress in my life. Forgiving someone else for doing something shitty to someone I love. How do I forgive my son’s blood relation for leaving, not once, not twice but four times over his 13 years? Some might think the reason behind him leaving could warrant such an act. What if I were to say they simply choose their new family over their son?

Would that make the ability to forgive harder? Should I be blogging about this? Probably not But it chews me up inside. Having started to question myself and my actions in an attempt to make sure I am doing the right thing and not being a bastard. I often run thoughts and feelings by family and friends. I am sure they could well get the hump with this as it seems to be happening a lot. what I can not forget is, my son’s pain and I watch him still suffer to this day with ideas of abandonment, desertion and rejection. Now the fact my son’s blood relative has crawled out from whatever rock they were under for the last 4 years is the reason for the internal debate of what is the right thing to do for my son.

This hangs heavy in my heart and mind a lot these days. Perhaps I should not be connecting my own internal need to forgive myself with the actions of someone else. For some strange reason it is hard not to. It feels like a hypocritical contrition. Forgiveness is forgiveness right? Regardless of the reasons behind the actions that cause for the forgiveness.

I have often said life is all about timing and I feel that this timing between the two things I am struggling with is a test for me. I do believe in god and I do believe in paths and I wish I could separate one thing from the other but what if this is my test on forgiveness. Can I ever forgive the pain they caused my son? Can I ever forgive myself? I guess time will show that as most things reveal themselves at some point.

One thing I can tell you is that the clumsy idiot is still very much me. I still repeatedly do really moronic things and embarrass myself endlessly. Only yesterday, early on set dementia caused me to leave my cash card in the chip n pin doodahh in the shop. Being screamed and yelled at to come back to a massive line of customers that were waiting for the cashier to hand me my card back. Nice. smile and wave boys... just smile and wave. So much for my wanting to be invisible eh.

So this is me signing off for now.

OVERWEIGHT PART TWO

You may well be thinking, ok where is she going with this. I am wondering why you even still reading this. When wondering that, I find myself answering the question with, maybe you have known me my whole life and had a sneaky suspicion I was faking my confidence. Maybe you want to know me, to understand me. Maybe you can relate to some of the things I am sharing. I hope that is not the case as feeling pretty shit about your self is in no way fun.

I feel like I have been chasing the person I used to be. The person I remember being happy and ‘carefree’ or at least giving off a good representation of being carefree. I convinced myself for a while there. For a time I missed who I was and would try so hard to get her back. Even yesterday in a post I say, ‘I miss me’ today I recognise that I will never be that person again. I am not that person anymore. And I should feel happy about this as that person was not real. That person was a bastard and did shitty things, said shitty things and hurt people in a defence to being hurt. That person has gone.

How I got to this point

The direction I have taken more recently in my counselling course has a lot to do with this. The course is fundamental on personal reflection and self awareness. This in turn has made me stop and look at the things I was doing, saying and how I was behaving. At first the idea of showing the real me, made me want to run away from the whole thing. I wanted to withdraw from the course and not bother. It just so happens I was in my own personal therapy at the time and my therapist pointed out that what was so bad about being seen for who I am. Was I scared I would not be liked?

I had openly admitted that I have an uncanning ability to piss people off. It was almost like I did this on purpose. (Unknowingly) so why was I scared of being disliked? It was more about acceptance. I was scared that the real me would not be accepted. The fake defensive, arrogant, un-trusting, wary, sarcastic self was fine with being disliked as I would use the, ‘you don’t know me’ as a defence to that.

( I wonder if any of this is making sense- plus one of the kittens has done a shit and my god it fucking stinks! It is rather distracting)

So in an attempt to move forward with something new, rather than chasing something that was not real and that has gone I find myself feeling a little better. Although it pains me to tear myself from something I know so well. Those defences were in place a very long time and so it will take a lot of hard work to stop myself from putting them back. I feel that posting this into the cyber land I am in a way acknowledging the change and acceptance of these facts.

The counselling course has been a journey, a journey that is no way over. I have taken the first steps to be a better person. A real person showing my real vulnerability and weaknesses, a person that people will want to know, even if that person is not perfect, happy, sexy, confident and out going.  

I Suppose I should go clean up the cat shit. Have a good day everyone thank you for letting me share.

Mel

OVERWEIGHT PART ONE

I may not be able to bring you some outstanding witty posts right now but I can bring you some of my own personal writing. I have mentioned on many occasions that blogging helps me feel better so I am taking a selfish stand to do exactly that.

My being over weight causes me a great deal of emotional and mental confusion. I was a chubby child. As I grew from being a school girl to a young lady the need to feel self obsessed was not there. Have I always had an issue with body image? Yes. Do I have an ongoing destructive relationship with food? Yes. Do I have psychological issues with food and myself? Yes. Have I repeatedly tried to beat all this down? Yes, yes, yes. 

Some of you might know my weight has yo yo’d over the years. The bottom line in all this is that I hate myself. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt for the things I have done, said and how I have behaved and how I have treated people. People that love me the most. I have a fantastic defence system in place to protect me from being hurt, to stop me from being seen as vulnerable and weak. I have only recently acknowledged I really do suffer with depression and more so anxiety. 

My defences protect me from showing these facts. I have spent a lot of time acting to people that I am ok and I am happy and nothing seems to bother me. Many people may have seen right through this and some might have picked up on something not being quite right with me, thus making them wary of me. But for me I felt I did a pretty good job at pretending I was something I really was not.

So having all this newly acquired self awareness should help me tackle my ever increasing weight. You would think. However, looking at my own self has caused some much more sadness and guilt. The process takes time and I am currently working through it all.

Looking back at how it all started was not too much fun so I will skim over it. I was not really aware of what I looked like as a teenager, nor did I care too much. I didn’t spend much time putting on make up and making a statement with my clothes. I used to shop lift a lot of make up as a child but sold that on to others that always seemed to look nice. 

I only really became more aware when I was working in the salon. I was faced daily with mirrors, mirrors that showed every part of my weight problem looking back at me.  I was moaned at daily for not wearing enough make up and so I did start to pay attention. I had my hair colour and style changed and I did lose weight. I had a boyfriend at this point so I was fairly comfortable with myself. 

some family members might remember attending my wedding to this ‘man’ as real names are not an option today I think we should rename him as, cockjugglingthunderc*nt.

So..married – baby – divorce – cervical cancer scare – meeting new man- giving up smoking- married- baby- happy-divorce- alone- single- relationship- single – relationship-single- alone…

My weight has often reflected what has been going on in my life. My happiness I guess you could say.

So here I am alone and so far away from bothering with any romance it's unreal. I figured I would work on making me better before I tried to fix any one new I meet. ( another fantastic quality I have to feel great about myself)

I hate shopping, mainly as looking in the mirror at myself makes me feel so shit I want to cry. I hate being naked. I hate how I see myself. I worry about what people think when they see me. I worry what my children think; I worry what my children’s friends think. I worry I embarrassed my children. I worry what my family think. I worry I will be judged. The idea that, I am just simply a lazy bastard that sits around eating, is going through someone else’s mind is embarrassing and causes me shame. Shame as it at times, is true.

I can’t justify it at all. We all like a bit of TV and some comfort food. I could be doing other things that are not damaging to my physical and mental health. Sometimes lifting myself up to do that is not so easy and some times it feels more natural to be active and busy.  Having more lazy days than active days seems to happen more over the winter months.

My guilt and shame pull me back under. I become a hermit. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want anyone to know.

I am going to stop and post before I delete the whole page of writing.

CIRCLES

As I have not blogged for a while and I am unable to continue my on line study with the Open University as the site seems to have gone down for 10 minutes. I figured I would throw a quick post in.

Yes it is that time of the year again. Assessments and Exams. Lovely. Some might say. After 30 weeks and over 60 something hours of work, if you don’t know it now, you never will! But not me I plan on cracking this one wild open. Confident? Nah denial my friends!

Posting a blog as been something I have wanted to do a lot recently. I said at one time or another that I feel better when I have blogged. That, ‘blogging it out’ is almost a personal therapy for the mental process. Unfortunately I have not been able to blog about more recent disturbing and emotional turmoil events in my life. I have at times blogged about personal issues and had no problem letting the world see what is going on in my head, in my life. 

However, this time although I am within the middle of it all, it is not me that is directly affected. (Something I have come to admit more recently) yes the events have my opinions and emotions twisted up but I feel it is not something I can blog about. And not really out of any respect to person or persons involved as some of you might know what I am talking about. and know I wouldn’t piss on some people if they were on fire. So sadly I can not vent and rant and moan and whine on about shit that is happening right now ( in that department)

What I can tell you is that I have felt down and rubbish because of ‘ stuff’ but has my dip in mood been  because I am not blogging out my venting annoyances? This leaves me whirling around in circles. I think I need to talk shit out. I need to vent and moan and groan (<- I spelt that right this time.) I have often taken a great deal of pleasure in taking the piss out of my self... hey wait a minute who stole my fucking sense of humour? In fact who stole my mojo, libido and my self esteem for that matter? I miss myself and my wicked humour at times. I miss the sunshine. What the fuck with all this rain I normally have a nice amount of sun damage to my skin by now. (Ok the moaning seems to be helping, it just flows out. My fingers just want to rant rant rant. )

I bet the OU website is up now and I should go back to understanding psychology and about quantitative and qualitative research!

Exam’s are at the end of the month and then day school in June. I have not had much time to write for pleasure and I guess this too has something to do with my mood. My confidence took a bash after my book was riddled with mistakes. Seemed every one I spoke to after that would then tell me of more mistakes. Thank you! Yes I took it all a bit personally. It hurt and it frustrated me as it was not something I could simply change on the spot. After many revisions of the book, the copy on sale now at lulu and Amazon should be almost mistake free but at this point if it has a mistake, bollocks! I have not made anything from writing the book about my son. I have paid out more than anything. And the little revenue I did get was not enough to buy a pack of fags. I did it for the love. I know now what I did wrong and I happened to learn the hard way – live it- learn it- so when I do get round to finishing part two. I will know what to do and what not to do.

But first back to the studying……