Melissa Vs. Mel

Melissa vs. Mel

 

I am going to attempt to break down my personality. There is always a core part of me. I will refer to this core (never changing) part of me as ME.

 

Let's start with Melissa. Melissa represents the sound, grounded, respectful part of my main person. Melissa is a persona - an ego of sorts. You have all met Melissa. Melissa is the girl turned woman that you see at family events and on a one to one basis. Melissa will often be well presented and polite.

 

Melissa is the driven part of me that wants to make people happy always looking for acceptance. Melissa wants to be seen as good and well adjusted. Melissa is the daughter anyone would be proud of. Melissa is smart and funny and easy going I would go as far to say this is a core part of ME. Melissa wants to do the right thing and wants to make her family proud. Melissa wants to be truthful to all around her, Melissa has tact.

 

 

Mel - Mel also represents a part of my core ME mimicking traits of Melissa but has a different agenda as an ego. Mel doesn’t want to please others she wants to please herself. Mel doesn’t care - or at lease tries very hard to not show others that she might or might not to care about other people's feelings. You might have met Mel at some more recent family events. More so, on a one to one. Mel try's to be honest but is often in core debate about it. Honesty normally prevails as ME. Mel is more self preserving. Mel will be reckless and spontaneous. Mel will do the things she wants. You did meet Mel as a teenager! Mel would rather live life without regret than regret living life. Mel is fun. But only in small doses. Mel can sabotage happiness. Mel's fun self can feel suffocated and want to be set free. Again self persevering. Mel doesn’t want to be or won't be beaten down.

 

I have probably shown good and bad aspects of both Mel and Melissa and while in therapy I have often asked myself who would win?!?

 

I have come to see that neither Mel or Melissa are inherently bad but merging both together and working on the harsher parts whist being honest about what I want and need. Putting time aside for me and others is feasible. Being fun but not stupid is achievable. Being honest but respectful is taxing but is doable. Not living my life like its being watched and judged is something I am working on. portraying a life and personality that is perfect, absolutely unrealistic and unachievable!

But.. Why do I worry so much about what people think? What they think of what I do or did or what I might do next. Did I mention Mel was a narcissist??

 

 

 

More soon……….

Mel

Fooking Friday

Have you ever been on a diet and had the feeling of wanting to eat and eat? A hunger that can not be fulfilled but that nagging diet keeps telling you no? If you have been here you might remember being a tad grumpy perhaps. A tiny bit agitated with yourself? The diet? Your mind? Your tummy? Is it boredom? Should you exercise to kill the need and want to that food you can't get out of your head? Perhaps food is a bad example...
Maybe a cigertte, maybe that feeling that you have one nerve and everyone is dancing on it. All you can think about is going out, giving in! and walking over to get some fags?

See that restless arsehole of a mood?
Yea I have that today but I can and will smoke and I ain't even in the same county as being on a diet. So why so miserable?

I note that I have had this feeling before and blamed it on diets and exercise I have even blamed it on being single and alone, I've blamed sexual frustration! So how is it that all my needs are being fulfilled yet I still have this deep and annoying feeling??

I laugh as I read that back as I can see that I have been blaming anything and everything for my moods. I can't help but address the fact that I have not been in a 'real relationship' for many years. Not to move off point for a second but I have recently noticed a change in myself, a true and honest part of myself that I have allowed my partner to see. No faking!

This true self is refreshing and less exhausting as I am being myself. However, seeing myself in all my own blazing glory has been a little bit of a shock. I may be happier pretending to be someone with a fair amount of faults but I was only showing a small part of my private shit and have been happy to show parts of them to others in life and blog but for ME to truly see ALL my really bad parts AND my partner to see them, look at them analyse them and address them non-judgmentally is a total mind fuck.

Have I grown up? I am not just gliding from one guy to another. I am in a real relationship! How did that happen? I let someone in!? I've found someone that truly understands and accepts me!

His still sitting next to me?? After that shit??? Omg?? I was sure that was going to drive him away??!!?? These thoughts have crossed my mind a few times over the last 3 months.

I might have been foolish to think that being in a relationship would stop my moody, insecure, impulsive, paranoid, sad, cynical, lazy self.

Funny I don't feel as agitated now........

The balance between Mel and Melissa is merging. Melissa Vs. Mel is my next post.