Have you ever been on a diet and had the feeling of wanting to eat and eat? A hunger that can not be fulfilled but that nagging diet keeps telling you no? If you have been here you might remember being a tad grumpy perhaps. A tiny bit agitated with yourself? The diet? Your mind? Your tummy? Is it boredom? Should you exercise to kill the need and want to that food you can't get out of your head? Perhaps food is a bad example...
Maybe a cigertte, maybe that feeling that you have one nerve and everyone is dancing on it. All you can think about is going out, giving in! and walking over to get some fags?
See that restless arsehole of a mood?
Yea I have that today but I can and will smoke and I ain't even in the same county as being on a diet. So why so miserable?
I note that I have had this feeling before and blamed it on diets and exercise I have even blamed it on being single and alone, I've blamed sexual frustration! So how is it that all my needs are being fulfilled yet I still have this deep and annoying feeling??
I laugh as I read that back as I can see that I have been blaming anything and everything for my moods. I can't help but address the fact that I have not been in a 'real relationship' for many years. Not to move off point for a second but I have recently noticed a change in myself, a true and honest part of myself that I have allowed my partner to see. No faking!
This true self is refreshing and less exhausting as I am being myself. However, seeing myself in all my own blazing glory has been a little bit of a shock. I may be happier pretending to be someone with a fair amount of faults but I was only showing a small part of my private shit and have been happy to show parts of them to others in life and blog but for ME to truly see ALL my really bad parts AND my partner to see them, look at them analyse them and address them non-judgmentally is a total mind fuck.
Have I grown up? I am not just gliding from one guy to another. I am in a real relationship! How did that happen? I let someone in!? I've found someone that truly understands and accepts me!
His still sitting next to me?? After that shit??? Omg?? I was sure that was going to drive him away??!!?? These thoughts have crossed my mind a few times over the last 3 months.
I might have been foolish to think that being in a relationship would stop my moody, insecure, impulsive, paranoid, sad, cynical, lazy self.
Funny I don't feel as agitated now........
The balance between Mel and Melissa is merging. Melissa Vs. Mel is my next post.
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