Struggling

Begin forwarded message:

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> 27/04/2013 08:06
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> Struggling today day 10 of no cigarettes. Although I am incredibly proud of both Dave and me I can't help but crave a fag right now. I look at how much money we have saved by not smoking and also feel shame and shock at how we ever managed to afford to smoke. Then another awesome wave of guilt washes over me when I think of all the help and bail outs Dave and I have had from our families. It's just plain silly. Having used smoking as a way to deal with stress is never a good thing. I am tired from erratic sleep patterns and I ache in my head and jaw from clenching my mouth closed or being tense.
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> Everyday except from today I have woke in a reasonably positive place, not saying my grumpiness is positive but it passes after a rant where's this feeling is pretty dark.
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> I have managed to keep positive thoughts in my head. I feel I need to remind myself of the good stuff through the therapy of words. Also ranting about the crappy feeling will help set that bastard free!!
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> I don't smell like fags, my kids, my home even my cats some smell of stail smoke now. I have more energy even if I burn myself out. I feel more positive and productive. I have managed to sort a few things out that I would normally find a reason not to bother. My skin, although it looks warmer and feels nice I have a break out in spots :(
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> My hair feels nice. My teeth are whiter. My breathing is longer and I can take a nice long breath and it not hurt or ache. I have not coughed alot and I have not coughed up all the mucus and shit yet. Waiting for that delightful moment.
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> Food tastes very nice and drink feels refreshing in my mouth.
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> The longer I go without fags the better my health will be. My kids will have a mummy for longer.
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> My weight is a whole different issue something I will address soon but every time I put food in my mouth I am more aware of what I am eating as I do not want to gain weight if I can help it. It is about remaining in control and my class a control freak tendencies are thriving.
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> I just made myself smile. I can do this. I will do this. I have enjoyed the feeling of superiority as I walk past the fag counter in the shop. I have felt that feeling of pride within myself when I smell smoke on others, I have felt that moment of disgust when I see how unattractive smoking is on a woman.
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> I feel glad I am not dependant on the fags. Although the start of today I have felt its absence. This post is pushing that want/need away nicely.
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> Thanks blog world and to all that follow me on Facebook. Your support is greatly appreciated.
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> Mel x
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TRY

It doesn’t take much to get me thinking; in fact it probably takes a lot more effort to stop myself from thinking. I have always thought that the more free time I had the more I would have random thoughts. This is quite often the case. I even, for a time felt I needed to set time aside to allow my mind to run wild, to outlet all my stupid thoughts via writing or talking. I used chat rooms to chat shit. I feel I have not allowed myself an outlet for my shit for a while. What happens when you leave something bubbling on boil for too long??

So here I am 5 months into a relationship with a pretty amazing guy and the poor bastard now has to deal with my stupid head. We have spoke extensively about my stupid brain and why some of my stupid shit is bubbling over. I can’t help but be scared of relationships all together. As lonely as I felt when I was not in one the pressure to ‘give a shit’ was not there. I found it easy to portray, ‘I don’t give a shit’ whilst secretly yeaning to have someone to give a shit about but in return be the shit that someone cares about. I have that now and my stupid brain just won’t let it be.

This causes me annoyance I have a lot of insecurities and self esteem issues and my stupid brain is happy to go on a search party looking for a reason why he shouldn’t be with me. Things like …My weight? My skin? My hair? My nose? My chin? My monkey feet? My cooking skills? My bithcy side? My arsehole side? My dirty mind? My abilities to appear stupid? My jokes? My stupendous winding up skills? My class and epic sense of humour? My random taste in music? My love and passion for movies? My fingers? My writing? My thoughts? My exceptional dancing skills? My xfactor singing voice? My bunny boiler tendencies? Paranoia?  My charms? My wits? My capability to seem like a bloke? My Xbox playing skills? Non drinking? My family? The way I sleep? My x rated sexual skills? My farty bum? My burping? My clumsiness?  Thing is all this shit has been exposed to my poor bastard boyfriend and that silly sod still loves me….. So it is my brain!! My brain is the reason I will fuck everything up. So how do I shut that stupid shithead brain up? Some drugs? Drinks? Sex? Movies? Candy crush? Poker? Gambling? Therapy to cage that savage bitch? Well yes of course most will know I believe in therapy but I am not enjoying the ever lasting waiting list to be seen. 

Why am I so fucking scared to just let go and try? Why do I need to have the higher meaning of control?, surely my fear of being hurt is a key element of this? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of losing David? Fear of losing this feeling of togetherness? fear of going back to how my life was before? fear of loss?

 I heard this song and felt I could connect to it.

PINK LYRICS

"Try"

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try