It doesn’t take much to get me thinking; in fact it probably
takes a lot more effort to stop myself from thinking. I have always thought
that the more free time I had the more I would have random thoughts. This is
quite often the case. I even, for a time felt I needed to set time aside to
allow my mind to run wild, to outlet all my stupid thoughts via writing or
talking. I used chat rooms to chat shit. I feel I have not allowed myself an
outlet for my shit for a while. What happens when you leave something bubbling
on boil for too long??
So here I am 5 months into a relationship with a pretty
amazing guy and the poor bastard now has to deal with my stupid head. We have
spoke extensively about my stupid brain and why some of my stupid shit is
bubbling over. I can’t help but be scared of relationships all together. As
lonely as I felt when I was not in one the pressure to ‘give a shit’ was not
there. I found it easy to portray, ‘I don’t give a shit’ whilst secretly
yeaning to have someone to give a shit about but in return be the shit that
someone cares about. I have that now and my stupid brain just won’t let it be.
This causes me annoyance I have a lot of insecurities and
self esteem issues and my stupid brain is happy to go on a search party looking
for a reason why he shouldn’t be with me. Things like …My weight? My skin? My
hair? My nose? My chin? My monkey feet? My cooking skills? My bithcy side? My
arsehole side? My dirty mind? My abilities to appear stupid? My jokes? My
stupendous winding up skills? My class and epic sense of humour? My random
taste in music? My love and passion for movies? My fingers? My writing? My
thoughts? My exceptional dancing skills? My xfactor singing voice? My bunny
boiler tendencies? Paranoia? My charms?
My wits? My capability to seem like a bloke? My Xbox playing skills? Non
drinking? My family? The way I sleep? My x rated sexual skills? My farty bum?
My burping? My clumsiness? Thing is all
this shit has been exposed to my poor bastard boyfriend and that silly sod
still loves me….. So it is my brain!! My brain is the reason I will fuck
everything up. So how do I shut that stupid shithead brain up? Some drugs?
Drinks? Sex? Movies? Candy crush? Poker? Gambling? Therapy to cage that savage
bitch? Well yes of course most will know I believe in therapy but I am not
enjoying the ever lasting waiting list to be seen.
Why am I so fucking scared
to just let go and try? Why do I need to have the higher meaning of control?, surely my
fear of being hurt is a key element of this? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of losing David? Fear of losing this feeling of togetherness? fear of going back to how my life was before? fear of loss?
I heard this song and felt I could
connect to it.
PINK LYRICS
"Try"
Ever wonder about what
he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Eh, eh, eh
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Eh, eh, eh
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
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