NEW YEARS EVE, EVE

Wow I seem to be managing a whole two posts a year just a slight difference from sometimes 3 a day! 

Another outstanding Christmas as just past and I can only feel humble and blessed, blessed for my family and friends.

This Christmas was the last that was magical, Magical in the sense that Santa was visiting us. Seems that years have passed me by and my youngest is no longer a young child that can be misdirected.

I mean, he is my child so his cunning willingness to seek out the truth shouldn't be all that of a surprise. But... Like most parents or most people in general might say,' I thought I would have a little bit longer' before reality kicks in. *sigh*

I have fond memories of Christmases past that will warm my heart for all time and with that I shall consider the issue closed.

my grown up boys

So it's that time of year I often think, new year, new me, new thinking all that bullshit but let's face it it's just a change of digits on the date. That's not to say the optimist in me is not trying to secretly lay hope in trying harder, doing more, being better. I can only take each day as it comes. 

2013 brought a new and challenging relationship, not just with my partner Dave but his family too. My constant fears of being misunderstood and judged played heavily for a while but I feel I have found my place and time has allowed all my glorious angles to be shown. *cough*

We have spoke of future plans, Holiday's, babies and such but we did get a kitten early this year. his a little shit but lovely. He even gets on with my other two girl cats..

Dexter

My relationship gets stronger each day, I surprise myself sometimes I feel very content. I definitely feel I met the one for me J

The birth of my second nephew was dramatic and more emotional than I could have ever imagined. I have so enjoyed watching both my nephews grow this year. Amazing 

The loss of my Nan. 

may she rest in peace

This came as a shock to my system. I was very young when my other grand parents passed away. I spent a lot of time with my one and only grand parent that was left. I hated seeing her age but felted blessed to still have her. I hate that she has gone. I hate that I missed time with her. I hate how guilty I feel about how often I visited and often had a moan. I hate that part of myself. I hope she don't hate me and she can forgive me for all the crappy stuff I did and said.  I guess I should be lucky, lucky that I have just now at the age of 34, experienced such a huge loss. I understand other people have losses I just I didn't think that I could? Or I would? Feel so pained? Why I might have thought this, is beyond me. Ignorance perhaps. Or maybe the only pain from loss I was willing to consider and fear would be the loss of my parents or my brother?

Am I strange that on some level my head knows one day and my heart filled heavy at the mere thought! One day. But hopes no day! 

I can't imagine my life without them and I didn't imagine my life without my Nan. Life feels a little harder since she passed over. Again I say I should feel lucky but I am not quite there yet. 

A poem, picture, memories that will last forever and a lot of love felt from and given to you Nan. Miss you more that I ever thought possible. 

 I still can't believe it

I still feel you here

Maybe it’s my ignorance

Maybe it's fear

I often sit, thinking in a bit of daze

Places we went in the early days

Family Holidays, weddings and parties those were the days

Oh, the Hell we raised!

Walking in your house welcome by an embrace

Chatting and laughing the smile on your face

You are loved so much by all of us Nan

We will try our best to make you proud

In whatever way we can

I hope you can hear me singing your praise

As I sit and recap on our precious days.

I can not promise no more tears I will shed

As you are still alive in my heart and in my head

I know in my heart that you are not alone

As on your plot I left a heart shaped stone

We will all pop in on you now and then

And we'll tell you how much we love you and miss you

Amen

I light a candle and say a prayer for you and for all my family, close, far, extended or adopted that might be struggling with their own challenges. My thoughts are with you all this New Year's Eve, eve and hope the New Year brings good health and plenty of joy. 

Family is only a text, message, and phone call away 

Mel xx