FEAR

As some might already know, I've suffered with anxiety for a few years now and on some level most people have felt what it's like, whether they admit it or not is another thing.

There are a few people out there that don't have time for people that suffer as they do not recognise it as a health issue. I have not got anything in particular to say to these kinds of people but only that I hope that one day they themselves never do suffer or have to watch a loved one suffer. Blah

Anyway…

I guess it can boil down to over thinking, over thinking every single little thing. The anxiety is like a horrid, insidious part of the mind - MY mind a part of the mind that I know is ME but it's like it's the worst parts of me or the person suffering. The entire negative coulda –woulda- shoulda parts of a person all collective in one place that feeds from all things fearful and looks for more things to fear. It knows you; it knows you worry so it throws out worry alarms that are totally irrational. A lot of sufferers, myself included call it 'my stupid brain' or 'my silly head' or 'head up my arse' or 'being stupid' most people that suffer will know that the stuff they are locking on to don't make sense as the rational side of the brain has learnt to batter down the 'stupid brain'. However, that part of limbo is head vs. feelings. The anxiety mostly is physical (for me) I hyperventilate and struggle to catch my breath. I've thrown up or had to run to loo as my tummy would literally fall out my arse. (Panic poos) Other sufferers can struggle to swallow and or throw up or feel nauseous. Some have all the above and or more, some sufferers only one or two but don’t be ignorant and think that just having one is not traumatic and life changing. Most sufferers that have once had an attack out of the comfort of your home just fear the idea of having that panic attack out and about or alone can then bring one on! 

So most suffers, I specifically create a safe place. I call this my bubble. Most will learn to think their way out of it with help of course. The mind can only do so much or just enough to get you past the physical attack. Then most have outlets for me writing - chatting to partner or family. I think for most it is just to have someone sit there and listen. Listen to me sound out the silly brain to say out loud it doesn’t make sense, as most anxiety don't make sense. Sometimes it's just over thinking over analysing over worrying a situation.

Think of it as seeing ten moves down the line. And by the tenth move it's all wrong and bad and a total tragedy thinking up the worst possible outcome. So of course, the want and need to go to the shops or a party is not always so easy to step out the door. You can see how quickly ‘silly brain’ can try and fuck you out of leaving your bubble. Plus after a 30 minute panic attack you are exhausted and in no mood to go anywhere. Most sufferers let it stop them doing 50/60 % of anything. Some sufferers push through it and live through more anxiety while out but tend to cope once arrived in a safe place. I personally don't think any one person can have only one safe bubble. I have my bubble people that help me feel safe as they know I suffer. Although, that is the simplest yet hardest solution. Telling people is hard. Being judged and have someone think ‘what's she got to worry about!?’ knowing there are ignorant closed minded people in the world is a fear feeding fear in its self. Stupid head don't like others to know as it spoils its plans to eat you whole. 

 

So I wonder if I've explained that well enough to be able to blog more about my own personal fears that are totally irrational, over thought and just down right stupid. But that's not to say my stupid brain is not super clever as it is very perceptive and occasionally loud and on occasion very convincing. 

So it can be easy to understand why some sufferers shouldn't be trusted to be left alone with their own stupid brains. This is when people do silly shit. 

So that is why some drugs are issued to help the physical anxiety be less intense or to delay or settle down down the thoughts. Therapies that promote calm - meditation - great way to train the brain to slow and of course breathing. There is ways to busy the mind with word search, crosswords. Doctors like to say exercise (lol) basically any positive focus to help ease the chance of an anxiety attack on set. Counselling and information allows people to recognise their own personal triggers, for some sufferers it can be small things like driving, trains, unexpected changes, loud places or sometimes just leaving a safe zone, some place new and unfamiliar. Every now and then you can't see it coming and it just kicks you in the teeth. 

For me I feel my medication helps me cope better with situations that can or have brought on attacks. When my meds are unbalance, I find things hard, or if I get hit repeatedly with situation after situation after situation. When it is one at time - yea I think I could hold it together enough to get on but anything more and it can spiral downwards very quickly. Tiredness is a massive trigger for me especially.

Anxiety although part mental with physical markers. It is exhausting! 

So my car broke down last Monday, started smoking from the left wheel on a very fast and busy road, this caused all kinds of stress as I hope you can imagine! Driving my car the first time today since it broke. I was sniffing the air and thought, 'omg that smell again' and my heart misses a beat and a sharp intake of breath that gets held till my brain says, “no chill out!, its fine!!” But too late! the seed is planted. I don't feel safe in the car. I start to drive slower than normal and overly aware. Totally un-enjoyable and can't wait to get home. It is hard work making my mind working hard to not allow all negative shit in. Headache - exhausted - need a lay down. 

And exhale…….

Until next time

Mel x

PLENTY OF CATFISH - 100 WORDS OF WRITING

The programme, ‘catfish’ should have been around years ago when dial up was a 56k modem and most people ran Windows ‘95/’98. When typing was a skill that was learnt, now it is a daily requirement.

People have not got more creative with lies and games behind the screen. People have become more arrogant and rude. Most people & some on POF think that saying and doing what they please is ok as the people they mock are noting like them.

How the internet world has distorted and how some people are still just stupid wankers.

THE PULL OF DARKNESS

There are dates in the year that I can not ignore. 

I dream of you now and then.

Your face almost looks like a question mark.

Maybe your time in my life didn't make sense.

It still kind of doesn't.

I know you were put there for a reason and I looked for the most obvious answers yet they were not meant to be. 

I still wonder about you but pain past felt allows the idea that what ever might be right now is your own fault.

 I think this is my way of helping me not feel reasonable for you.

Time passed by and memories of you fade out.

I met someone, his not that dissimilar to you only younger and taller and about 80% less of an arsehole.

I moved on passed any other milestones that were previously in place. With his help I found a nice tidy yet sometimes bumpy path on the other side of the dark, shadowy woods. 

Part of me hopes that you find your way out at some point...

 But I can't look back any more.

I can not hold on to comfort in darkness.

Looking back is easy and can appear as something that is safe as its familiar.

But the view is dark and not very hopeful.

Maybe you were there just to keep me company and you had to stay in that place while I HAD to get out?

Maybe misery really dose like company?

Is there something comforting about that place? Yes!

Could it of been you? Perhaps! 

Do I ever want to go back? No!

So this is me waving goodbye.

Goodbye to that place and goodbye to you old friend.

I don't mind being reminded of what I have overcome - Even if that had a connection to you.

I am grateful for your company and in some sick way you helped me find my way out the darkness. 

I am sure my thoughts will roam to you at times.

But don’t be mistaken as this will only be in a way that helps me see the light and happiness ahead. 

Melissa Laws

Hop, Skip and Jump

I am so thankful for the cool breeze! I feel like I am in an oven on the outside and I am cooking on the inside! 

This pregnancy is chugging along nicely. It has been ten years since being pregnant and yet it feels like I slept through that pregnancy. My memories of it are not flooding back very quickly at all. 

I lay holding my belly trying to remember being pregnant before and the only snips I really remember was fear, panic, date watching. I am not sure I got to enjoy my pregnancy with Charlie due to all the fear from my crazy and painful pregnancy with Robert.

I am enjoying each little prod and poke developing within me, getting stronger each day. I am almost 18 weeks pregnant and I am gaining baby belly lbs now. I feel I am wishing July away as the appointment we are all waiting for is at the end of July. Sometimes I sit and really take in what's happening and what is going to happen. I can't do this for too long as I tend to freak myself out a tad. I know my life as I know it will change and there is a small part of me that fears that change. On some level I have been avoiding any change for a number of years. I can't honestly say that all my emotions are in the right place just yet however; they are levelling out a bit everyday. Feeling a bit more like me again this is a good thing for everyone. 

Now new physical challenges await me. I have kinda, sorta   managed to do some damage control on the couple of pounds of weight I have put on my belly I struggled to pull the plug out the bath. Having weak and painful wrists hoisting my not so light self out a tub of water is starting to need a work up of momentum. Before pregnancy I wasn't ever a little woman but flexible due to yoga and some core strength. I feel those days have truly been and gone! Well, till post baby anyway. The nerve in my right arse cheek is still amusing itself with its cosmic jokes of hurting and tickling at the same time. Not always able to stand up and walk because of it. Find myself rubbing and jiggling my right arse cheek to help movement. This looks a tad odd whilst in Tesco. 

So now it's a hop, skip and jump to the 6 weeks holidays and years before I have dreaded this time, this time I am looking forward to it. 

Remembering my Nan and letting her know how much I miss her everyday I can now plan on Spending some time with my boys, enjoying some nice weather and some down time and family visits. 

TTFN

Mel x