So I figured I would steal 30 minutes while Max, our 8 week old bubba sleeps in a swirl of cal pol due to 8 week jabs. I am able to flick my eyes over my screen to keep watching him. so still, so quite, so asleep!
On the 30/10 David and I became parents to our beautiful baby boy Max. As my previous posts mentioned, I was in and out of hospital with a cluster of issues. The pre eclampsia that was peeking its head made an appearance on the Sunday, made an appearance in my wee wee.
As time is limited I can not chance going in to the whole drama that came about after the Sunday but just let me say Monday Mr big cheese consultant said to book me in on the Thursday for c section. Estimated weight of baby was 5lbs 13oz at that point.
Hop, skip and a jump and a stressed out Thursday day of nil by mouth and waiting for a cot in NICU ( baby was 34 weeks exactly ) so protocol depicts that 34 week babies go to NICU.
Finally the word came down that they was ready for me.
At 5pm we went down and 30 minutes later our son was being ventilated in theatre. He was quickly taken down to NICU so fast I didn't even get to see him.
I cried endlessly as I had not got to see him with my own eyes, just photos and videos. I felt empty without him.
Max weighed 5lbs 6oz and had s little trouble removing mucus from his lungs. Even though I had steroids his lungs needed a little help. He was aided for 4 hrs then CPAP for 3 hrs. By the morning he was unaided. I was up and out of bed and down to see him Friday morning. What a trooper! I met my baby 19 hours after he was born.
We was able to cuddle him on the Saturday. I cried my heart out.
Anywhoooo a week later he was home with us and thus the fun began. I sadly had become a custom to 10 hrs solid sleep sooooo coping on 3 hrs over 36 hours was a tad of a shock. I mean I knew it was going to be like this but I thought I would of adapted to it easier? Sooner? Still not totally there 8 weeks on but holy crap I feel my age!
Max is so amazing and lovely, sleep is just something I need now and then. When I had a full nights sleep I couldn't function for shit! I think I do better on 4-5 hrs sleep. although I lag to fuck and yawn all the time so basically my baseline is feeling pretty fucked. I think I do 'ok' but how I feel and how I think can be different.
I feel like a first time mum. I feel inadequate. I feel like I struggle a lot. My anxiety is on a high level. I worry worry worry. OCD worry. I feel fat and tired and strained. I feel everyone is on my case and I can't do anything right. I have to remind myself to wash my hair. I make time to wash! But have not spent time looking after ME! I have clasped at the point of exhaustion and eaten a cold meal while having my eyes closed. I have dropped to my knees in tears and wiped my own snot and tears on my jumper sleeve many times. I have screamed at everyone around me for no good reason and cried for an hours from guilt. I have been through the middle of it all and come out this side.
I have had to ask my son to sit with Max to sit on the loo for longer than 2 minutes! Do miss a long relaxing toilet visit. Used to play my games, browse Face book, write lists of what I need to do, sort out,banking! Things I need to do or get.
I forget everything, all the time! Max's bag, his dummy, my phone and often my shoes or to do my hair. Do anything to my hair. A simple trip to Asda was more like a 10 hour intense play on the Krypton factor!
I have burnt about 6 dinners. I've missed 4 direct debit payments. I have failed to attend 3 appointments and one blood test. I have run 40 minutes late for a month! So imagine how delightful it was to have Christmas on the page too!
Sooo along with Christmas shopping ( thank the online gods) visiting Family and writing cards and wrapping gifts, whilst being massively sleep deprived, AND dealing with 3 cats that we needed to watch closely as they could of had a spat at Max. However, they didn't! we were endlessly making sure they wasn't sleeping on his beds, pram, chair, pile of Max's washing, AND dealing with one teenager ( that's a post all on its own!) one 10 year old, my partner returning to work, AND general running of home AND trying to buy a new car as while I may be able to fit a cot and 3 people in a Ka we could not fit a friggling car seat and 3 people in a Ka! all the while recovering from a c section and having to depend on my partner to drive - everywhere! AND having massive bleeds if I did too much. and battling post natal depression! AND trying to cook a meal without burning it! AND sleeping on the sofa because simply going up stairs to be was so much effort at that point, ' I am just going to lay here' was all I could muster. AND maintain a relationship!.... I can honestly say I am pretty happy!
It is a warm and fuzzy feeling and a smile on my face as I sit here 45 minutes past my allocated 30 minutes ( dinner burning) posting my wake up call on line.
So if you are 36 and in not great shape and thinking of having a third child 10 years since your last and 16 since your first, take note of pregnancy issues and a massive shock to the system. and say, sleep? who needs sleep anyway.....
A huge thank you to everyone that supported David, the kids and me though the whole shenanigans and all cards and gifts that were sent and given to us. we really so appreciate you all.
xox
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