reality TV has shown us how much the average person craves their life to have some kind of reflection of a Soap Opera, Drama, Horror or a comedy movie. The current world and News channel looks like its drama/thriller channel.
As some might know that my oldest – Robert (you might
remember me writing about him in 'little feet.' He was such a little baby
anyway…) Robert is now 14 and is a R.A.F cadet
Soooo proud of him… he wants to progress on with the R.A.F and
is currently looking into what grades he needs to go into the army. This is
something I am still progressing as a parent.
Robert recently went to a cadet meal and he looked amazing
….
Such a proud mum!
My youngest Charlie loves you tube and his Xbox and wants to
be a 'you tuber'. He wants to video his games and posts them online. I toyed
with the idea and I opened a you tube account for him, that I can monitor. I
still refuse to open him up a face book account and he is not really that
interested in it anyway. Some of his videos have been uploaded. He likes to
muck around taking videos of himself and it is nice to watch him explore the
programs on the computer to make them fun…
I am going to attempt to break down my personality. There is
always a core part of me. I will refer to this core (never changing) part of me
as ME.
Let's start with Melissa. Melissa represents the sound,
grounded, respectful part of my main person. Melissa is a persona - an ego of
sorts. You have all met Melissa. Melissa is the girl turned woman that you see
at family events and on a one to one basis. Melissa will often be well
presented and polite.
Melissa is the driven part of me that wants to make people happy always looking for acceptance.
Melissa wants to be seen as good and well adjusted. Melissa is the daughter
anyone would be proud of. Melissa is smart and funny and easy going I would go
as far to say this is a core part of ME.
Melissa wants to do the right thing and wants to make her family proud. Melissa
wants to be truthful to all around her, Melissa has tact.
Mel - Mel also represents a part of my core ME mimicking traits of Melissa but has
a different agenda as an ego. Mel doesn’t want to please others she wants to
please herself. Mel doesn’t care - or at lease tries very hard to not show
others that she might or might not to care about other people's feelings. You
might have met Mel at some more recent family events. More so, on a one to one.
Mel try's to be honest but is often in core debate about it. Honesty normally
prevails as ME. Mel is more self preserving.
Mel will be reckless and spontaneous. Mel will do the things she wants. You did
meet Mel as a teenager! Mel would rather live life without regret than regret
living life. Mel is fun. But only in small doses. Mel can sabotage happiness.
Mel's fun self can feel suffocated and want to be set free. Again self
persevering. Mel doesn’t want to be or won't be beaten down.
I have probably shown good and bad aspects of both Mel and
Melissa and while in therapy I have often asked myself who would win?!?
I have come to see that neither Mel or Melissa are
inherently bad but merging both together and working on the harsher parts whist
being honest about what I want and need. Putting time aside for me and others
is feasible. Being fun but not stupid is achievable. Being honest but
respectful is taxing but is doable. Not living my life like its being watched
and judged is something I am working on. portraying a life and personality that is perfect, absolutely unrealistic and unachievable!
But.. Why do I worry so much about what
people think? What they think of what I do or did or what I might do next. Did I mention Mel was a narcissist??
Have you ever been on a diet and had the feeling of wanting to eat and eat? A hunger that can not be fulfilled but that nagging diet keeps telling you no? If you have been here you might remember being a tad grumpy perhaps. A tiny bit agitated with yourself? The diet? Your mind? Your tummy? Is it boredom? Should you exercise to kill the need and want to that food you can't get out of your head? Perhaps food is a bad example...
Maybe a cigertte, maybe that feeling that you have one nerve and everyone is dancing on it. All you can think about is going out, giving in! and walking over to get some fags?
See that restless arsehole of a mood?
Yea I have that today but I can and will smoke and I ain't even in the same county as being on a diet. So why so miserable?
I note that I have had this feeling before and blamed it on diets and exercise I have even blamed it on being single and alone, I've blamed sexual frustration! So how is it that all my needs are being fulfilled yet I still have this deep and annoying feeling??
I laugh as I read that back as I can see that I have been blaming anything and everything for my moods. I can't help but address the fact that I have not been in a 'real relationship' for many years. Not to move off point for a second but I have recently noticed a change in myself, a true and honest part of myself that I have allowed my partner to see. No faking!
This true self is refreshing and less exhausting as I am being myself. However, seeing myself in all my own blazing glory has been a little bit of a shock. I may be happier pretending to be someone with a fair amount of faults but I was only showing a small part of my private shit and have been happy to show parts of them to others in life and blog but for ME to truly see ALL my really bad parts AND my partner to see them, look at them analyse them and address them non-judgmentally is a total mind fuck.
Have I grown up? I am not just gliding from one guy to another. I am in a real relationship! How did that happen? I let someone in!? I've found someone that truly understands and accepts me!
His still sitting next to me?? After that shit??? Omg?? I was sure that was going to drive him away??!!?? These thoughts have crossed my mind a few times over the last 3 months.
I might have been foolish to think that being in a relationship would stop my moody, insecure, impulsive, paranoid, sad, cynical, lazy self.
Funny I don't feel as agitated now........
The balance between Mel and Melissa is merging. Melissa Vs. Mel is my next post.
Wow I really have neglected the blog reading world. I can do
nothing but apologies but the real world sucked me in and ate me up!
So Christmas came and went! Had a wonderful time with my amazing family. My heart wasn’t
in it exactly as my children are getting older and that, ‘magic’ has seemed too
fizzy a tad. This makes me feel a bit sad.
New Year was a little bit of an anticlimax also but my
continuing cluster fuck of mood swings has no sense of time, so feeling increasingly
anxious and down on that particular evening was just shit luck.
So… what’s been happening in Mel’s world.. I hear you asking
with breath that is baited.
As most will know I do live an incredibly dull life but I do
seem too attracted my own amounts of drama, either that or I create
them so I don’t get bored!
So having spent a full year of being single and in a vain
attempt to help out a loved one. I decided to poke around the avid and lucrative
site that is, 'plenty of fish.' Now, after only few hours I knew this site was a bad move, bad bad bad move! People like me should not be allowed on to these sites!
In retrospect I can’t hate it but I will blog a post coating
the whole plenty of fish community and expectations that comes with online
dating sites. You can look forward to that post coming soon!
2 weeks on plenty of fish and 3 dates, then off the site for 3 weeks
then back on 1 day for another date – or 3. ( mummies boy- another post about that some other time) I then tired of it. Tired of the bullshit.
So I figured I would write an outstandingly repelling profile. I can now reveal
this was the perfect bait to catch a fish. I choose to not add a picture either so I could seem too many as
a no go zone.
My profile has now been deleted. Since I met
David. I should probably ask him if it’s OK to refer to him by his real name. I
will do that later ;)
So we spent some time talking on Xbox live and playing
games, then we exchange phone numbers to text, then to phone calls and face time, then to
dates to now spending a lot of time together. I can honestly say I am in a fairly
nice place. I still struggle with my insecurities and paranoia, sadness and anxiety
but Dave has seen some of my worst stuff and has been amazingly supportive and
understanding with it all. Probably because his crazy like me! Anyone seen the
movie silver lining playbook??
As I have not been in a relationship while I have been a blogger, I have a sneaky feeling I might come across some challenges and funny shit that I will share. As most will know I am a firm believer in blogging- it -out. I wonder if this will be amusing and enlightening to myself and many. We will have to see....
The time for learning new things about myself has already begun...
enough said....for now...
Ha my life is sometimes nothing but dull and sometimes it is
mental!
I am back in therapy in the next few months and hoping to
rejoin the working world sometime later this year. I can not wait for the warm
weather and my good old friend that is a massive ball of fire that burns in the
sky.
This year feels like many new possibilities and adventures.
I hope I have not just jinxed myself and my own happiness.
