NEW YEARS EVE, EVE

Wow I seem to be managing a whole two posts a year just a slight difference from sometimes 3 a day! 

Another outstanding Christmas as just past and I can only feel humble and blessed, blessed for my family and friends.

This Christmas was the last that was magical, Magical in the sense that Santa was visiting us. Seems that years have passed me by and my youngest is no longer a young child that can be misdirected.

I mean, he is my child so his cunning willingness to seek out the truth shouldn't be all that of a surprise. But... Like most parents or most people in general might say,' I thought I would have a little bit longer' before reality kicks in. *sigh*

I have fond memories of Christmases past that will warm my heart for all time and with that I shall consider the issue closed.

my grown up boys

So it's that time of year I often think, new year, new me, new thinking all that bullshit but let's face it it's just a change of digits on the date. That's not to say the optimist in me is not trying to secretly lay hope in trying harder, doing more, being better. I can only take each day as it comes. 

2013 brought a new and challenging relationship, not just with my partner Dave but his family too. My constant fears of being misunderstood and judged played heavily for a while but I feel I have found my place and time has allowed all my glorious angles to be shown. *cough*

We have spoke of future plans, Holiday's, babies and such but we did get a kitten early this year. his a little shit but lovely. He even gets on with my other two girl cats..

Dexter

My relationship gets stronger each day, I surprise myself sometimes I feel very content. I definitely feel I met the one for me J

The birth of my second nephew was dramatic and more emotional than I could have ever imagined. I have so enjoyed watching both my nephews grow this year. Amazing 

The loss of my Nan. 

may she rest in peace

This came as a shock to my system. I was very young when my other grand parents passed away. I spent a lot of time with my one and only grand parent that was left. I hated seeing her age but felted blessed to still have her. I hate that she has gone. I hate that I missed time with her. I hate how guilty I feel about how often I visited and often had a moan. I hate that part of myself. I hope she don't hate me and she can forgive me for all the crappy stuff I did and said.  I guess I should be lucky, lucky that I have just now at the age of 34, experienced such a huge loss. I understand other people have losses I just I didn't think that I could? Or I would? Feel so pained? Why I might have thought this, is beyond me. Ignorance perhaps. Or maybe the only pain from loss I was willing to consider and fear would be the loss of my parents or my brother?

Am I strange that on some level my head knows one day and my heart filled heavy at the mere thought! One day. But hopes no day! 

I can't imagine my life without them and I didn't imagine my life without my Nan. Life feels a little harder since she passed over. Again I say I should feel lucky but I am not quite there yet. 

A poem, picture, memories that will last forever and a lot of love felt from and given to you Nan. Miss you more that I ever thought possible. 

 I still can't believe it

I still feel you here

Maybe it’s my ignorance

Maybe it's fear

I often sit, thinking in a bit of daze

Places we went in the early days

Family Holidays, weddings and parties those were the days

Oh, the Hell we raised!

Walking in your house welcome by an embrace

Chatting and laughing the smile on your face

You are loved so much by all of us Nan

We will try our best to make you proud

In whatever way we can

I hope you can hear me singing your praise

As I sit and recap on our precious days.

I can not promise no more tears I will shed

As you are still alive in my heart and in my head

I know in my heart that you are not alone

As on your plot I left a heart shaped stone

We will all pop in on you now and then

And we'll tell you how much we love you and miss you

Amen

I light a candle and say a prayer for you and for all my family, close, far, extended or adopted that might be struggling with their own challenges. My thoughts are with you all this New Year's Eve, eve and hope the New Year brings good health and plenty of joy. 

Family is only a text, message, and phone call away 

Mel xx

TOLERANCE

Tolerance 

I remember thinking once about love and why love can cause so much trouble for some people. Relationships for one - kids another. The difference between each person and that love means something different for each of them. It could be said that as you don't love how I love then you must not love at all. 

I think I remember feeling this way once. So how does that love or level of what is considered love seed from?
I will come back to that.

Most might know I am no stranger to trashy TV shows. A sudden intake of breath I hear! 

But we all have our little things we like to indulge our time with. Looking at love as a subject matter in this trashy tv culture I can't help but wonder how most of the people can utter the love word.

 
I once might have thought that men don't feel the intenseness of love the same as women might. This was not a simple thing to look at but I felt I wanted to look at it so I did. 

Where do we learn love from? Our parents? Our peers? Or is it primal and human and we simply feel it. And then as educated humans and by various means understand that feeling of love?
Do we watch our mothers or fathers and learn what love is from them? 
Do we see that our main care giver has a daily tolerance for love. 

A child could be a nuisance all day long and test every single level of love and patience but that cry at 2 am when the child is ill- all the days annoyance has all been forgotten. Is that love? Watching a parent or care giver take words or actions of hate and contempt from a young adult but a phone call crying for help and all the past has simply gone and they hurry to the young adults aid. Does this teach love or forgiveness or both?

Most might associate with being a mum or watching their mum in similar scenarios as just mentioned. Day in day out mum or dad is there work or not, morning, noon or night. Do we see this as love and it stays with us as a recognisable level of love.? 

If that is the case having an absent parent or a nasty bastard parent every day does that mean a person growing up only sees that as the right way to treat others and recognises that kind of behaviour they have witnessed as a level of love and caring?

 
It begs the question about the level of love that some people will allow themselves to give or feel or simply give at a boundless level. 

Maybe I should not spend so much time thinking about this stuff and watch more Jeremy Kyle !!

I will come back to that later ;)

Mel x

Struggling

Begin forwarded message:

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> 27/04/2013 08:06
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> Struggling today day 10 of no cigarettes. Although I am incredibly proud of both Dave and me I can't help but crave a fag right now. I look at how much money we have saved by not smoking and also feel shame and shock at how we ever managed to afford to smoke. Then another awesome wave of guilt washes over me when I think of all the help and bail outs Dave and I have had from our families. It's just plain silly. Having used smoking as a way to deal with stress is never a good thing. I am tired from erratic sleep patterns and I ache in my head and jaw from clenching my mouth closed or being tense.
>
> Everyday except from today I have woke in a reasonably positive place, not saying my grumpiness is positive but it passes after a rant where's this feeling is pretty dark.
>
> I have managed to keep positive thoughts in my head. I feel I need to remind myself of the good stuff through the therapy of words. Also ranting about the crappy feeling will help set that bastard free!!
>
> I don't smell like fags, my kids, my home even my cats some smell of stail smoke now. I have more energy even if I burn myself out. I feel more positive and productive. I have managed to sort a few things out that I would normally find a reason not to bother. My skin, although it looks warmer and feels nice I have a break out in spots :(
>
> My hair feels nice. My teeth are whiter. My breathing is longer and I can take a nice long breath and it not hurt or ache. I have not coughed alot and I have not coughed up all the mucus and shit yet. Waiting for that delightful moment.
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> Food tastes very nice and drink feels refreshing in my mouth.
>
> The longer I go without fags the better my health will be. My kids will have a mummy for longer.
>
> My weight is a whole different issue something I will address soon but every time I put food in my mouth I am more aware of what I am eating as I do not want to gain weight if I can help it. It is about remaining in control and my class a control freak tendencies are thriving.
>
> I just made myself smile. I can do this. I will do this. I have enjoyed the feeling of superiority as I walk past the fag counter in the shop. I have felt that feeling of pride within myself when I smell smoke on others, I have felt that moment of disgust when I see how unattractive smoking is on a woman.
>
> I feel glad I am not dependant on the fags. Although the start of today I have felt its absence. This post is pushing that want/need away nicely.
>
> Thanks blog world and to all that follow me on Facebook. Your support is greatly appreciated.
>
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> Mel x
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TRY

It doesn’t take much to get me thinking; in fact it probably takes a lot more effort to stop myself from thinking. I have always thought that the more free time I had the more I would have random thoughts. This is quite often the case. I even, for a time felt I needed to set time aside to allow my mind to run wild, to outlet all my stupid thoughts via writing or talking. I used chat rooms to chat shit. I feel I have not allowed myself an outlet for my shit for a while. What happens when you leave something bubbling on boil for too long??

So here I am 5 months into a relationship with a pretty amazing guy and the poor bastard now has to deal with my stupid head. We have spoke extensively about my stupid brain and why some of my stupid shit is bubbling over. I can’t help but be scared of relationships all together. As lonely as I felt when I was not in one the pressure to ‘give a shit’ was not there. I found it easy to portray, ‘I don’t give a shit’ whilst secretly yeaning to have someone to give a shit about but in return be the shit that someone cares about. I have that now and my stupid brain just won’t let it be.

This causes me annoyance I have a lot of insecurities and self esteem issues and my stupid brain is happy to go on a search party looking for a reason why he shouldn’t be with me. Things like …My weight? My skin? My hair? My nose? My chin? My monkey feet? My cooking skills? My bithcy side? My arsehole side? My dirty mind? My abilities to appear stupid? My jokes? My stupendous winding up skills? My class and epic sense of humour? My random taste in music? My love and passion for movies? My fingers? My writing? My thoughts? My exceptional dancing skills? My xfactor singing voice? My bunny boiler tendencies? Paranoia?  My charms? My wits? My capability to seem like a bloke? My Xbox playing skills? Non drinking? My family? The way I sleep? My x rated sexual skills? My farty bum? My burping? My clumsiness?  Thing is all this shit has been exposed to my poor bastard boyfriend and that silly sod still loves me….. So it is my brain!! My brain is the reason I will fuck everything up. So how do I shut that stupid shithead brain up? Some drugs? Drinks? Sex? Movies? Candy crush? Poker? Gambling? Therapy to cage that savage bitch? Well yes of course most will know I believe in therapy but I am not enjoying the ever lasting waiting list to be seen. 

Why am I so fucking scared to just let go and try? Why do I need to have the higher meaning of control?, surely my fear of being hurt is a key element of this? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of losing David? Fear of losing this feeling of togetherness? fear of going back to how my life was before? fear of loss?

 I heard this song and felt I could connect to it.

PINK LYRICS

"Try"

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try