OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW....

New Years Eve (day) I find very depressing. Is this the time where one looks back over the year and wonders where it might have gone, what did one do this year, all the things promised to ones self that  would been done but did not manage to even start doing it? Or does one look back and think, wow what an awesome year one hopes next year is just as great. Did you do anything awesome this year? Thing is, you probably did, but perhaps the instilled notion of looking forward rather than back has some how managed to merely fog over the massive achievements of this year.

Whilst feeling rather melon collie I have managed to forget about what has happened this year. Is it just human nature to simply dwell on the negative shit? Yea, some bad shit has to happen. life!  and sometimes bad shit is going to happen, the level of which that bad shit is, well I can not comment. For me the bad shit, was at the time, huge, massive but looking back now. Not so huge and not so massive.

I can look back and see I have passed 3 exams and 5 assignments. I started my blog and gained confidence in my own writing abilities. And as of tonight I would have posted 100 posts! Yes some maybe be utter nonsense, some funny shit and some serious posts but hopefully entertaining nether the less. yeahhhhh baby! I have over come some person problems. I have learnt to ask for help and admit that I am not coping well. I have accepted It is OK to not be strong and pretend everything is OK. I have become stronger by trying harder. I failed a module but I passed 2 others. I put my heart and soul into some truly person writing and have felt better for it.

I may not have achieved what I set out the year to do, (lose weight and give up smoking) I have seen somethings don’t work and have changed to adapt to what works. I have felt love, pain, joy, a lot laughter, tears and panic. I have shared in others pain, and joys of happiness and have laughed with many. I have lived! I have gone out and took in each minute of each day. I have met some amazing people and I have re connected with others, which I thought were gone forever. Every step of the year was taken with my children and family so yea, fuck it! It has been an 8 out of 10 year. not feeling so utterly shit now!

The New Year scares me, scared of what is to become of me next year. I feel that I have come a long way since last year and change is sometimes hard. I feel I am rather flexible and scared and excited of what is coming. I am invested in my courses and volunteer work but I am going to be returning to full time work this year and I guess that is the main cause of my anxiety. A new adventure, I wish I was better prepared for but It is not happening tomorrow so I still have some time to get myself in the right place, scared or not.

I hope this was not too morbid a rant. New Year is different for most people and I felt like sharing mine with you. I already feel this post has slapped me in the gob and woke me up and has motivated me to get on with my New Years Eve night!

Remembering what I have lost can take its hold. Remembering what I have gained can be seen if I look for it, and remembering what I have around me is what keeps me smiling and hopeful.

To all my family and friends I wish you a happy new year. All the best for 2012 J

INTRODUCING….

Hello to all and I do hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and everyone is well. My children, family and I had an amazing Christmas. The last 3 days have been wonderful. My children were extremely happy with all their presents and I cried at the gifts that were given to me. Sooo wonderful. Thank you to everyone that made my Christmas so bloody amazing!

For many years I had pondered the idea of getting a pet. I have openly admitted I have not got a great love for dogs, the whole cleaning up dog shit issue, if you missed this blog CLICK HERE... anyway. I have put of getting a pet for many reasons. The same reasons people put of having children I am sure. I have got to a point in my thirties that my children are a little less reliant on me and I feel a void for not being needed so much. Most people that are married or that are in a healthy relationship would choose this point to breed. As for me, that is not going to happen so to fill the void I did follow through on getting a pet. My pet was given to me as a gift. Introducing Holly

Isn’t she a cutie!

She is a fluffy little lovely and she is mine. I first saw her after a few days born and watched her grow until it was time for her to come live with me.

She sits with me next to my mouse on my mouse mat lol While I write and play games on my computer.

Hello Holly J

My Pussy!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas to everyone =o)

WRINKLED

There are not many things I really hate. OK, hate might be a bit strong but definitely loath with a passion. My own definition of loathing is something I don’t particularly enjoy and will avoid by all costs. The first of the two top despises is...; ironing; now this is probably not a shock to most people. The amount of people that I know, that like ironing, I can count on one hand! We’ll come back to the ironing! The other detest is … * drum role* shopping! Yes, I know it is totally unnatural for a woman to hate shopping. I am not a great fan of food shopping and any kind of shopping this time of year fills me with nothing but groans and moans. I don’t mind shoe shopping, yet I still have to be in the mood and right frame of mind for it.

Christmas shopping is once a year and I am thankful for on line shopping and reserve and collect options! They were made for me!

Now being a student of psychology I have come to know more and more about the human psyche. Some ideas of Freud and recent Psychological findings are known across the lands. For example the idea that, the trauma from our childhood, can affect us as adults. You do not need a degree to know this shit.

I do believe, and I am sure my brother will agree with me, that our united detestation for shopping is in fact, all mum’s fault! ( sorry mother) but it is true, hours and hours spent sitting in C&A’s in the Pentagon centre in Chatham. Filling the hours of hot, aching boredom was not so great back when we were kids.  The only fun we had was getting lost and causing our mum to have a conniption fit when she could not find us.

As we both got older our love for shop(lifting) got greater, no need to try it on, no need to line up and  no need pay for it, just grab and run ( please don’t try this at home) Why did we do this? Because we could and because we wanted to! I am not in any way condoning shoplifting, no no no. I am just telling you how it was. Honest! My brother and I met our fate in the end when we got arrested * cough* once or twice. Let’s just say we learnt our lesson. We didn’t get caught after that! As adults my brother and I share the same dislike to simply mooching around the shops. (Ahurgggguu)

Mum used to take us into town every Saturday and she would park behind Allders and we would both be praying for one, that we got something to eat from the baker’s oven and two; mum would not walk into the ladies dress shop. My brother and I would often pull a face at each other in hope she would plainly walk on by. Alas to our own horror (and my dad’s credit card) she never seemed to manage it!

More time sitting waiting for mother, oh and god forbid she buy an outfit that needed shoes, as then we would walk and walk and walk all around shoe shops to find a pair of shoes the exact same shade as the outfit – fun!

That reminds me, those canvassers in the street that used to stop people. My mum always got collared! Sometimes it benefited us kids as something free would often be given out.

Now back to the ironing (shudders) I stood recently ironing my son’s shirts for school. As he asked nicely that they are done. As I stood I thought about when I was a kid. I used to iron my dad’s work and golf shirts and I got paid 20p a shirt. Now how each parent chooses to parent is no business of mine. However, I do hate the idea that the soon to be teenager that I gave birth to, has ME ironing HIS shirts! I pay the boy pocket money; maybe he should either pay ME for ironing HIS shirts! Or he could wear them all wrinkled or learn to bloody well do it himself! There has to be a time where he should be responsible for his own desire to not be a smelly, scruffy smeghead? Or am I being a bitch?  Please send your answers on a postcard to me... thanks…

That concludes today’s mega rant. 

TWO HEADED SNAKE

I have had the idea for a tattoo for many years. I do not have any tattoos at the moment. I do like some that I see. I have told a few people about the idea I have. At the end of my exploring the tattoo idea with them most people say, “That would be extremely expensive and painful.”

So... If I was rich and was not such a pussy when it comes to pain then this is what I would have.

Now I can not give you a picture of this as it is in my head and not something I have seen on anyone else. So as I have been told that my writing has a certain je ne sais quoi. (Cough) I will ask that you try and picture it. Humour me again would you.

Picture if you will, the bare back of a woman. Give her some nice knickers, perhaps some lacy boxers. Can we see the back of a voluptuous woman? Who don’t like curves?

Now she has her hair tied up out of the way so you can see her shoulders and neck. Can you see her? (She is quite hot eh) anyway… lets focus on the bottom of her back (above her crack) this is where the main body of a snake will rest curled up. The snake will have a tail. (Obviously) a rattle snake tail will slithering over to the right hand side over the curve on her hip. The tip of the rattle snake tail will point down towards her uh hum…can you see this?

Let’s make the snake black, grey and dark purple. The detail of the body would be the skin of the snake and yea on some level it would look like the ‘tramp stamp’ but that is not where this ends.

So we have the body of the snake curled up and the tail trailing off to the front of her hip. The head end and neck (if snakes have necks) part of the snake then goes up the spine. The width of the snake would be 2 inches. The detail of scales and colours would be awesome here.

Can you see this or are you thinking ouch! So yea the main body of the snake above the crack then the snake would go up the spine until it reaches the space between shoulder blades. This is were the snake will spite into two. Yes the two headed snake.

One head would go over to the left shoulder. The mouth of the snake would be open and the teeth would be seen on the back of the shoulder and the tongue would just be seen from the front.

The snake head on the right shoulder would be (I am thinking closed mouth but the tongue out) whether the snakes mouth is to be open or closed the tongue would go over the shoulder, the same as the left. What do you think? The eyes of the snake, the teeth, the tongue, the scales, and the colours would all be detailed. Can you see it?

This idea of a two headed snake tattooed up my spine is what I would brand on to my body, forever, if I wasn’t a baby and had some dollar. I told someone about this idea and they said the picture of this is a psychological wet dream.

I do feel that we all have different personalities that we indulge. I have touched on this a little in my posts, FAKING IT  and  MORE FAKING IT MOMENTS . So you could say I feel I have two personalities. The two headed snake is something I can relate to and I really would have it done. I love the sexiness of the back and the shoulders.

Anyway I thought I would share that with you today J

SUMMER ROMANCE

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,

I feel this strong urge to grab and squeeze you,

Because I can't forget what happened last night.

You came to me so unexpectedly during

The calm and balmy night,

And what happened in my bed still leaves a

Tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and,

Shamelessly and without any reservations,

Lay on my naked body.

So voluptuously you applied your hungry mouth

To me without any guilt or humiliation.

and you

Drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you in vain, and only the sheets

Bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,

Making it all the more difficult for me to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you...

Bloody mosquito!!!!!

HE STOPS

He seemed to be walking at a steady pace since he stepped off the train. He carried on walking, in the same direction as me. I was not following him! I watched as he was walking a head of me. He suddenly stopped, in the middle of the sidewalk. Ooo caught me off guard but I quickly side stepped and carry on walking. Maybe he sussed out I was looking at his arse for the last 10 minutes. Nah can’t be. He probably just needed to find his phone.

Weird feeling, feels like there is someone following me now. I am so paranoid. I glance left and hope my peripheral vision don’t fail me. I see a tall, dark person behind me.  Yep it is him. Fuck! Concentrate on walking, concentrate on not falling over your own feet and smashing your face in to the side walk and your teeth coming out your head. Concentrate! Don’t slide over on some dog shit. Don’t trip over a crack. Don’t hunch over as your concentrating on your feet. Keep your back straight and your head up but keep an eye on the floor. Quick glance over to the left, his still behind me. God I wonder what he is thinking while he stares at my back. Omg! I hope I have not got a square of melted chocolate smeared over the arse of my jacket. Fighting the urge to rub my hand behind me to check. To check my skirt is not tucked into my knickers.

My hands feel like they should be doing something. I look down at my hands and start to fidget. My ankle wobbles on the heel of my shoe, shit! So busy fanning about my hands I almost fell over. I can’t do this. Slowing my walk down, I move over to the window of a store. Not looking into the store but looking at the reflection in the window. He carries on walking past. That’s better! I turn and continue to walk behind him. Not sure what store window I just pretended to look into. I start to panic, it was probably a fucking sex shop or something knowing my luck. I quickly glance back to check. Nope it was a store that made furniture. Phew!

He takes the next corner and I am happy, I am heading that way as well. I wonder how tall he is, 6’2 maybe. He has a nice arse – staring!  His walk slows and without thinking mine does to. He stops in front of me and I stop to. He quickly spins around and I hold my breath. He looks right at me, his face welcoming – a smile – at me? Really? He looks like he is going to say something. Shall I say something?  He draws in a breath his eyes continue to look at mine as he starts to talk.

HIPPY

Hippy not Hippo!! -- stupid fucking auto correct!

Hummmm I am starting to wonder. Perhaps this is something I could look into now. Bohemian princess what do you think? I meditate, I listen to chill out music, I enjoy the pure earthy elements, and I feel I am somewhat a liberal spiritual person. Would you say I could qualify as a hippy?

On a completely different note altogether. I have had a rather not so great day for a few reasons. Having pledged that, I would not discuss people (without prior permission and non family members) that come in and out of my life, via my blog. I find myself struggling to fight the urge not to discuss a recent tragic situation. So as I have the freedom of write (ho ha teehee) on my own to do and thus I shall.

Set aside the ‘I am I a hippy?’ question slowly let it float back into the back ground. I find myself a tad pissed off. Now feeling pissed off is just another emotion that we all feel but is sometimes frowned upon. In some cases frowned upon just as much as the subject of masturbating. Anyway. Am I not allowed to be pissed off? Is it unnatural to be pissed off or wank for that matter? Is that not all apart of living? (Oh yes I am on one tonight.) However, wanking has no place in this post so strike that!

Apparently, according to someone.... let’s call him Prick. So according to Prick, I leave myself to get lied to and used by men. His reaction to me being a little miffed with a comment he had made before hand. This possibly is not making allot of sense – humour me please...

I was told that due to the fact that I have children, Prick would never be able to consider a relationship. Prick is 39 and looking for someone that doesn’t have complications or kids. (Can you hear me laughing now?)  So you can imagine my reaction to this. Prick don’t know anything about my kids, nor my wants or plans in life. Yet the idea that a man would dismiss the idea just because I have children did in fact bring up a strong annoyance. Fair to say that everyone has their stuff and this was Prick’s issue. I still felt sensitive about this. In all the years I have wandered around single and meeting new people I have never heard anyone utter such a thing. Yet, to add insult to injury, Prick has a teenage child of his own! I may well be out of order for reaction in the way I did, I did not attack Prick. I simply pointed out that I was disappointed with his massive assumption, judgemental, and short sightedness. The real kicker was that the reason we had spoke in the first place was because we were saying how shallow, short sighted and ignorant people are at times.

This then allowed me to feel he was on a level that understood me. Disappointing! So I sat and thought and spoke about this and then thought some more. I asked another friend what they thought of the situation and they said, ‘maybe they just wanted shag and didn’t want anything to do with your kids?’  This got me thinking. Is that not the exact same behaviour as most the men that enter and quickly leave my life?  So, Prick was up front about his non-agenda, should that make the fact seem plausible? Prick still got the same treatment from me as if he had lied. I am not stupid; I know when someone is interested in me and not my family. 

This baffled me as one of the discussions Prick and I had, had been about instincts and following your gut. I might not get told the truth but I have a good instinct to when I am being lied to. Prick quickly went defensive and reacted with attack. The attack is what I first mentioned.

I don’t feel as annoyed now just a little down trodden as I had started to have faith in people again. Prick read my blog and then decided that I was someone to be cautious of. This statement made by Prick has now turned inward and has me wonder if I am a fruit loop, over complicated, sociopathic danger zone. Or is it simply Prick, is exactly what his name suggests he is.

Rank over back to your lives people Hippy Christmas J lol

THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

I can only try and explain the extent of how I miss it. If you miss something that is never to be seen again, does that make missing it easier do you think? What if you see the thing you miss almost everyday. In fact it is there every single day that I wake up I might not always see it so clear but it is always there. Some days it is closer than other days lower and higher at other points. The something that I miss is something that brings me great happiness, a feeling inside and out, which is so warm. It is amazing I can not look directly at it. There are songs that remind me of my times with the something that I miss so much. On a good day these songs make me smile with good warm feelings. The memories I have from when I was a child, as a teenager and as an adult. On a bad day the ache inside me feels cold and dark and makes me want to crawl into a darker place to hide. Those songs that remind me of the something I am missing don’t provoke a smile nor a warm feeling but a massive feeling of absence, in my heart and soul.

This might seem a little extreme on some level. Am I missing a cigarette or drink or drugs? Food perhaps? It would indeed seem extreme then no? I miss the sun. I miss the sun and how it feels shining on my exposed skin. I miss how the world feels when the sun shines and the air blows warm. I remember stepping off the aeroplane. In a warm country and the sudden warmth from the air and how amazing it feels. I miss the sea and how it smells and how it sounds. I am wondering if it would be easier to miss something like bread or a TV. It is not that they don’t exist and they are not unobtainable. Sure, a plane ticket and a pocket full of cash would allow me to indulge the elements that make me feel content with life.

The sun did shine today and I did everything in my power to stand in the light. It was cold and I wished the sun’s raise would feel a little warmer. Guess my radiator will have to do for now. I don’t understand how the weather has such a control over how I feel. It could be that I was born by the seaside and grew up with the smells and sounds that come from living on the sea front. I do get a sense of peace from the sea; I often go there to write.

Maybe because I was born in August is why I seem to favour the heat. I am just not sure. I have not had a bad day in a while and I should find some resolve in that fact I do know why I feel so aching inside. Some days all you want is to feel OK in a fucked up world that is, at time shot to shit.

Inside I feel so drained and down but on the outside I smile and tell myself I am lucky and it will pass. 

GO ON LAUGH, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

I can not help but wonder to myself (out loud) when will I ever learn?? I have had to become very cautious over the years, since ‘you tube’ and the ability to record from a mobile phone. My constant falling over and having true melidiot moments just scream – record me and post me on you tube now!  I might hide my clumsiness’ well to most; trust me it is not without a great deal of effort. Some might remember that on my wedding day (which one you might ask) the one that you was all present for. I did in fact fall over on the grass. All I can say is thank the lord that it was not in this day an age or the fact most people were taking advantage of the free bar * hahaha* some guests happened to see me fall backwards with my legs hanging in the air. However, some did not but I was up quick, before anyone got a chance to photo my melidiot moment. I knew that at least 3 or 4 people had a camera in their hand – the, ‘Just one more.’ photographer of course, how can any one ever forget that man! I had thought that I might have tripped up my own feet while walking down the isle. Or even slide over on the dance floor. I felt someone looking over me on this day as I could have truly hurt myself and others. 

Yesterday I parked by the school to see my son’s play. I parked in the last space near a wall. Now if you have not been out recently you might not have noticed the amount of leafs on the ground. The corner by the wall that I parked was a trap for, what I think were the whole of Basildon’s leafs. I carefully exit my car and walk around the car before I remember I had left the play tickets in the car.  Leaving my cautious self I run back to the car. Falling straight into the pile of leafs. Unknowing to me there was a curb and I stood on the edge of the curb and in I tumbled. Quickly looking around to make sure I was not seen and feeling releaf (<-) lol that I did not appear to be seen. I quickly dart in to the car, collecting tickets, and then coolly walking away like nothing had happened. (Priceless) I am a true legend aren’t I!

One other time I did show pure class was when I was out with a number of friends in a much crowed pub. Everyone was having a great time. We were not there long but our laughing and noise didn’t go UN noticed. I had to go to the loo so I ask, ‘Where is the loo?’ my friend answered, ‘It is right up the back there.’ * She points* I look and see a massive crowd of people (great – mostly men as well) so I work my way though the crowd having to touch men and slide behind them. I make it to the loo I do my business then make my way back through the ocean of men. They all happened to smell nice. They must not have liked me touching them and sliding my body behind them as they seemed to make a small gap for my return.

I saunter back to the table of friends that seem to be in a middle of a laughing fit. I smile and ask, ‘So what did I miss?’ they all seemed to be looking behind me so I look. Yes if you didn’t already know this or had guessed I had bog roll wrapped around the heel of my boot and had dragged bog roll through the entire pub. As I look back, all eyes where trailing the line of bog roll all the way to my feet, then I felt every pair of eyes settle on me. I magnificently hide my embarrassment and laugh with every one else. I slowly untangle my heel and leave it there. It was not long before someone shouted that I would get charged for taking more than my allocated amount of tissue. Ahh yes that one was a true moment I shall not forget. I have since been back to this pub to not to be remembered. But I do always check my feet before leaving all toilets now!

Live it-Learn it!

MELLY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL

I HAVE MADE A VIDEO IT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST......

I know I may waffle on about this and that (shit and crap) but something accrued to me today whilst I was driving back from seeing an aunt I had not seen for a while.

Having had many a conversation about presents and getting ready for Christmas dinner it got me thinking….

Family- is that what makes Christmas for most people? 

Is that the issue that make’s Christmas good or bad? Is it the people that are not here that make Christmas feel horrible? That you can surround yourself with gifts and foods but still have an empty space in your heart?

The same thing that makes Christmas brilliant is the same thing that makes it crap.

Now having not done a poll on whom likes or dislikes Christmas I am going to assume most adults are not terribly fond of Christmas, myself included. Is this because of Christmas past? This is something I have always felt – until today.

While I was talking about last Christmas I almost chocked on my own words when I said how amazing last year was, it was a very emotional Christmas as my brother had recently been ran over and my dad  was suffering with bells palsy. Last year was the first year I had my brother, sister in law and nephew over Christmas day and I could not have felt happier if I tried. I had made a Christmas CD that I planned music to play while we ate dinner. My master plan was timed most perfectly and the song ‘ Have your self a merry little Christmas’ was playing as we all sat at the dinner table laughing and eating. My heart is aching just writing about it. I have to admit now that I have felt quite alone during the years but this moment is one in my heart, forever.

My attempts at recapturing that same feeling this year have sadly been lost. However, I see now that getting the same thing again would be naive of me. This year will be something different but equally as great. (If you let it in.) This made me think is that what makes us adults so fucking miserable? Are we all trying to recapture the Christmas that we felt truly happy? With a partner or a parent that is no longer with us? As a child when life seems easier and less harsh? I know this might sound terribly stupid but what if it is different? What if that moment has gone and never to be seen again? Am I happy that I had it… hell fucking yea I would not change it for anything!

Maybe it took a few years to get that moment at Christmas that made the day not seem so hard. Maybe holding on to the things close to you now is the key to letting go.  Perhaps it is letting go of the things that once made us happy but now seem to contribute to unhappiness? I am not saying not to forget the people that are not with us any more but perhaps just a shift of emotions to what we all do have at this moment in time. Be it your children, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, cousins, sisters, brothers, annoying in laws and friends. Maybe a change the baseline of what Christmas means? Maybe…

I have walked around uttering how much I loath Christmas due to the loneliness and a feeling of dread. I even told someone I faked it for my kids and so I over compensate with over joy joy mummy. It might sound cliché if I say I have seen the light! Previous years I had felt I was missing something – someone - and so I could not possibly be happy at Christmas without them or it. Looking back now, on that Christmas with my parents, my brother, my sister in law, my nephew and my children, I feel huge emotions. I feel truly lucky to have what I have. My parents are here and on some level... well! My brother is here and is well, my sister in law and nephew... my kids … HERE...

I know I should not say this but I do have friends that do not have a big family, they have lost their parents, aunts, uncles and even young children within their families. I am not sure what most people’s situation is like but look around you and see what you do have that you forget to consider.

I hope that these makes sense to people. Do we need to lose something to know we always had it there in the first place?

So my plan this Christmas is to stop whining about how hard done by I am and lap up the treasures I have within my family. The biggest gift this year is that I have them all. And of course I have all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins. I only have one grandparent with us and this makes me feel sad. I remember my grandparents in my thoughts all the time and live with the idea that they look over us and know they are still very much loved, remembered and truly missed. I am sure they would not enjoy knowing that their absence is what makes us feel totally shit.

I am now looking forward to Christmas, looking forward to seeing my whole family on the run up and days of the holidays. I feel lucky knowing that this year I will still have them to hold, laugh with and burp at over the table while playing cards!

I am sure many will be saying yea yea whatever Mel more shit but for those of you that are not and totally get where I am coming from… Merry Christmas and I will see you very soon J

I have made a Christmas Movie ( yes I have too much time on my hands sometimes ) I have tried to keep some children out of the movie as I have not got round to ask for permission to add them. I apologise in advance if friends and family don’t like that I stole pictures from face book to put into this masterpiece of a movie. I even had to log into my old face book account to grab some pictures of other family gatherings. You all mean the world to me. Even though I might not see you all the time, you are in my heart and in my thoughts.

I hope you enjoy the Movie and I just noticed I appear very boobtastic in a lot of my photos!! O0o0er misuses…

THOUGHTS

College was fun this week 3 lots of 15 minute role play! My head hurts a little bit tonight though. I hope that all readers are well as it seems to be the season of puke your guts up. My son has had this bug as well as friends and family members. It is not nice!  The whole cleaning up puke helped my continued food watching issues this week. Nothing like some vomit to put you off ya munch! You can see the results on  MY FAT BLOG . I have not given much to this blog yet due to my new found addiction for words with friends! OMG I am addicted! I love it and can not get enough.

Staying on the subject of tummy churning events, I wonder how many people watched, ‘Black Mirror’ last night?

I was not aware of this programme until someone told me they were an extra in next week’s episode. To show support I did watch last nights. If you have not seen it, I hope you take the time to have a look.

Again I thank you for your unrelenting support of my shit and will be back with more melissums real soon. Due to illness of my own children, friends and family I am a bit distracted. So I send out my thoughts and prayers to my friends and family that are having a bad time with things right now. Love to you all xoxoxo

See you after the break….

DIVVY DUCK

Food has been a topic spoken and thought about a lot more recently. While I was over thinking about food and my constant moments of unadulterated melidiot moments I remembered a few more that combine the two. I clearly had suppressed these memories due to the mortification I felt at the time. However, looking back on them now I can see the funny side. In order for me to share these moments, I will be enlighten you with some facts about my private dating life. Some of you know some aspects of my private life as I clearly talk too much about some things. Although, some family members choose to not want to know about this part of my life and that is fair enough. Just thought I would throw the warning out. Don’t worry there is no sex plus food innuendo (cough) so don’t panic. Just me being a total div while eating or ordering food!

So top of the bill was a few years ago now and I was asked out by a very sweet guy. This guy happens to be the most intelligent guy I have ever met. Probably one of the best looking blokes as well. What he ever saw in me, to ask me out, became clear at the end of the night!


He picked me up and we went to a very swanky restaurant to which I was not properly dressed for and so I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had blonde hair at this point! The guy, who still remains a very close friend of mine, worked well at making me feel less out of place. Yet, when the menu came in front of me I almost choked on my water. He wanted to order wine but I went with water and diet coke. He had red wine. The menu was not in English. I laughed and watched him mull over the menu before I sheepishly told him I couldn't read the menu.  I thought that this might surprise him but it didn't seem to faze him at all. He seemed rather pleased! He just waved his hand and said he would order for me. Bad move – never let anyone order for you!

It was not long before our food arrived. (Some pink shit floating around in some white shit, with green shit floating in the white shit.) I poked at it I must have had a look on my face. He said “its salmon in a parsley and cheese sauce.... try it Mel it will feel like velvet in your mouth.” (At this point I was thinking omg you smooth bastard but fish? Fucking fish? Did he want to kill me? ) I swallow and put my knife and fork down.  Sheepishly – again I whisper I don’t like fish. The look he gave was not so understanding (please let the ground open up and swallow me whole) he waves for the server to come over and tells them the situation then orders something else. (Sounded like he said duck.)I might not have been able to read the foreign menu but I sure as shit see the prices. (Holy fucking shit!) I felt stupid and out of place everything inside me was screaming to leave.

It didn't get much better, I picked at my duck a l'orange (not so nice btw) and then he ordered desert. Fuck knows what it was, but I am sure it had booze in it. I picked at that too but kept on drinking water to help drown the taste out of my mouth.

At the end of the evening I could not do anything but apologise and laugh at myself. He seemed to enjoy my idiosyncrasies and wanted to go out again some time. I was shocked (handsome and smart he must be on drugs or something)   so I asked,” omg what on earth do you see in me?” he didn’t hesitate before answering, “You have great tits.”

DIRTBAG PART TWO

This is a follow on from the first fiction piece DIRTBAG PART ONE

warning

readers might find this subject matter disturbing.

It took a week and a half for the cuts and bruises’ to look... well less bruise like. I took a week off sick to avoid the questions I didn’t want to answer. I had lied for him before but it was getting harder. The four days that followed his ‘mishap’ as he put it, involved constant apologies’, 'I love you', 'I need you', and I will never hurt you again. A whole four days before he was back at the bottom of a bottle.  I didn’t acquire any more cuts or bruises’ but he took advantage of my fear. He pinned me down on the bed and took what he wanted from me.  He over stepped his mark and things for me changed. I sat crying after he passed out. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I spoke to my friend, the first time I had ever admitted out loud what he had been doing to me. The moment the words passed my own lips I felt different.

I had thought of leaving more than a few times. I even tried it once-Just once. I made it to the next state over before he found me. He promised me the world on a plate and that he would change and be a better man. It was not long before he had me pinned against the wall by my throat. He said one time that if I ever left him he would find me and kill me. There is nothing quite like a death threat to stop me from leaving.

I took the money I had, some clothes and personal belongings to my friend's. She knew I was up to something but I never told her what. I had never planned for what happened to happen. I was going to get away from him though. That much would come right.

 I didn’t need provoke him; I simply left him to it. I knew it would not be long before he came at me again. Only this time it would be different.  Amazing how love can turn to hate over a short period of time. My skin started to crawl when I was in the same room as him. I could feel my face scorn when I watched him eat, drink or merely watch TV. I had to actively stop myself from recoiling when he kissed or touched me. I had to wait for the right moment to get away from him.

One swing is all it took, one swing fuelled by hate and anger. It did more damage than his many swings of ‘love’. Have I turned into him? Was I sorry? Would I do it again if I had to re-live the situation all over again? Probably not, I may have swung earlier and harder!

 I held his hand in mine while I cried. All that hate and fear I felt for him went away after I sat looking at his limp dead body. 30 seconds past and a new fear kicked in- fuck.