I HAVE MADE A VIDEO IT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST......
I know I may waffle on about this and that (shit and crap) but something accrued to me today whilst I was driving back from seeing an aunt I had not seen for a while.
Having had many a conversation about presents and getting ready for Christmas dinner it got me thinking….
Family- is that what makes Christmas for most people?
Is that the issue that make’s Christmas good or bad? Is it the people that are not here that make Christmas feel horrible? That you can surround yourself with gifts and foods but still have an empty space in your heart?
The same thing that makes Christmas brilliant is the same thing that makes it crap.
Now having not done a poll on whom likes or dislikes Christmas I am going to assume most adults are not terribly fond of Christmas, myself included. Is this because of Christmas past? This is something I have always felt – until today.
While I was talking about last Christmas I almost chocked on my own words when I said how amazing last year was, it was a very emotional Christmas as my brother had recently been ran over and my dad was suffering with bells palsy. Last year was the first year I had my brother, sister in law and nephew over Christmas day and I could not have felt happier if I tried. I had made a Christmas CD that I planned music to play while we ate dinner. My master plan was timed most perfectly and the song ‘ Have your self a merry little Christmas’ was playing as we all sat at the dinner table laughing and eating. My heart is aching just writing about it. I have to admit now that I have felt quite alone during the years but this moment is one in my heart, forever.
My attempts at recapturing that same feeling this year have sadly been lost. However, I see now that getting the same thing again would be naive of me. This year will be something different but equally as great. (If you let it in.) This made me think is that what makes us adults so fucking miserable? Are we all trying to recapture the Christmas that we felt truly happy? With a partner or a parent that is no longer with us? As a child when life seems easier and less harsh? I know this might sound terribly stupid but what if it is different? What if that moment has gone and never to be seen again? Am I happy that I had it… hell fucking yea I would not change it for anything!
Maybe it took a few years to get that moment at Christmas that made the day not seem so hard. Maybe holding on to the things close to you now is the key to letting go. Perhaps it is letting go of the things that once made us happy but now seem to contribute to unhappiness? I am not saying not to forget the people that are not with us any more but perhaps just a shift of emotions to what we all do have at this moment in time. Be it your children, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, cousins, sisters, brothers, annoying in laws and friends. Maybe a change the baseline of what Christmas means? Maybe…
I have walked around uttering how much I loath Christmas due to the loneliness and a feeling of dread. I even told someone I faked it for my kids and so I over compensate with over joy joy mummy. It might sound cliché if I say I have seen the light! Previous years I had felt I was missing something – someone - and so I could not possibly be happy at Christmas without them or it. Looking back now, on that Christmas with my parents, my brother, my sister in law, my nephew and my children, I feel huge emotions. I feel truly lucky to have what I have. My parents are here and on some level... well! My brother is here and is well, my sister in law and nephew... my kids … HERE...
I know I should not say this but I do have friends that do not have a big family, they have lost their parents, aunts, uncles and even young children within their families. I am not sure what most people’s situation is like but look around you and see what you do have that you forget to consider.
I hope that these makes sense to people. Do we need to lose something to know we always had it there in the first place?
So my plan this Christmas is to stop whining about how hard done by I am and lap up the treasures I have within my family. The biggest gift this year is that I have them all. And of course I have all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins. I only have one grandparent with us and this makes me feel sad. I remember my grandparents in my thoughts all the time and live with the idea that they look over us and know they are still very much loved, remembered and truly missed. I am sure they would not enjoy knowing that their absence is what makes us feel totally shit.
I am now looking forward to Christmas, looking forward to seeing my whole family on the run up and days of the holidays. I feel lucky knowing that this year I will still have them to hold, laugh with and burp at over the table while playing cards!
I am sure many will be saying yea yea whatever Mel more shit but for those of you that are not and totally get where I am coming from… Merry Christmas and I will see you very soon J
I have made a Christmas Movie ( yes I have too much time on my hands sometimes ) I have tried to keep some children out of the movie as I have not got round to ask for permission to add them. I apologise in advance if friends and family don’t like that I stole pictures from face book to put into this masterpiece of a movie. I even had to log into my old face book account to grab some pictures of other family gatherings. You all mean the world to me. Even though I might not see you all the time, you are in my heart and in my thoughts.
I hope you enjoy the Movie and I just noticed I appear very boobtastic in a lot of my photos!! O0o0er misuses…
That video is a lovely sentiment and something you can look back for years to come. It is eternally captured as a digital memory forever ! May your christmas be special babes whatever may be......... enjoy the NOW !!!! ...oh, and yes you do look rather boob-a-licious in your photos ! Thanks for that - it made my Xmas xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's lovely and I shed a tear or several. Friends and family that we have lost are always in our hearts and at special times and anniversaries we remember them and miss them. But we should be thankful for what we do have. Merry Christmas to you.
ReplyDeleteI love it, thanks cus and merry christmas to you all!!
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I am glad everyone enjoyed the movie
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you all :)