THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

I can only try and explain the extent of how I miss it. If you miss something that is never to be seen again, does that make missing it easier do you think? What if you see the thing you miss almost everyday. In fact it is there every single day that I wake up I might not always see it so clear but it is always there. Some days it is closer than other days lower and higher at other points. The something that I miss is something that brings me great happiness, a feeling inside and out, which is so warm. It is amazing I can not look directly at it. There are songs that remind me of my times with the something that I miss so much. On a good day these songs make me smile with good warm feelings. The memories I have from when I was a child, as a teenager and as an adult. On a bad day the ache inside me feels cold and dark and makes me want to crawl into a darker place to hide. Those songs that remind me of the something I am missing don’t provoke a smile nor a warm feeling but a massive feeling of absence, in my heart and soul.

This might seem a little extreme on some level. Am I missing a cigarette or drink or drugs? Food perhaps? It would indeed seem extreme then no? I miss the sun. I miss the sun and how it feels shining on my exposed skin. I miss how the world feels when the sun shines and the air blows warm. I remember stepping off the aeroplane. In a warm country and the sudden warmth from the air and how amazing it feels. I miss the sea and how it smells and how it sounds. I am wondering if it would be easier to miss something like bread or a TV. It is not that they don’t exist and they are not unobtainable. Sure, a plane ticket and a pocket full of cash would allow me to indulge the elements that make me feel content with life.

The sun did shine today and I did everything in my power to stand in the light. It was cold and I wished the sun’s raise would feel a little warmer. Guess my radiator will have to do for now. I don’t understand how the weather has such a control over how I feel. It could be that I was born by the seaside and grew up with the smells and sounds that come from living on the sea front. I do get a sense of peace from the sea; I often go there to write.

Maybe because I was born in August is why I seem to favour the heat. I am just not sure. I have not had a bad day in a while and I should find some resolve in that fact I do know why I feel so aching inside. Some days all you want is to feel OK in a fucked up world that is, at time shot to shit.

Inside I feel so drained and down but on the outside I smile and tell myself I am lucky and it will pass.