OVERWEIGHT PART TWO

You may well be thinking, ok where is she going with this. I am wondering why you even still reading this. When wondering that, I find myself answering the question with, maybe you have known me my whole life and had a sneaky suspicion I was faking my confidence. Maybe you want to know me, to understand me. Maybe you can relate to some of the things I am sharing. I hope that is not the case as feeling pretty shit about your self is in no way fun.

I feel like I have been chasing the person I used to be. The person I remember being happy and ‘carefree’ or at least giving off a good representation of being carefree. I convinced myself for a while there. For a time I missed who I was and would try so hard to get her back. Even yesterday in a post I say, ‘I miss me’ today I recognise that I will never be that person again. I am not that person anymore. And I should feel happy about this as that person was not real. That person was a bastard and did shitty things, said shitty things and hurt people in a defence to being hurt. That person has gone.

How I got to this point

The direction I have taken more recently in my counselling course has a lot to do with this. The course is fundamental on personal reflection and self awareness. This in turn has made me stop and look at the things I was doing, saying and how I was behaving. At first the idea of showing the real me, made me want to run away from the whole thing. I wanted to withdraw from the course and not bother. It just so happens I was in my own personal therapy at the time and my therapist pointed out that what was so bad about being seen for who I am. Was I scared I would not be liked?

I had openly admitted that I have an uncanning ability to piss people off. It was almost like I did this on purpose. (Unknowingly) so why was I scared of being disliked? It was more about acceptance. I was scared that the real me would not be accepted. The fake defensive, arrogant, un-trusting, wary, sarcastic self was fine with being disliked as I would use the, ‘you don’t know me’ as a defence to that.

( I wonder if any of this is making sense- plus one of the kittens has done a shit and my god it fucking stinks! It is rather distracting)

So in an attempt to move forward with something new, rather than chasing something that was not real and that has gone I find myself feeling a little better. Although it pains me to tear myself from something I know so well. Those defences were in place a very long time and so it will take a lot of hard work to stop myself from putting them back. I feel that posting this into the cyber land I am in a way acknowledging the change and acceptance of these facts.

The counselling course has been a journey, a journey that is no way over. I have taken the first steps to be a better person. A real person showing my real vulnerability and weaknesses, a person that people will want to know, even if that person is not perfect, happy, sexy, confident and out going.  

I Suppose I should go clean up the cat shit. Have a good day everyone thank you for letting me share.

Mel