I'M LOVING IT

I am loving the Olympics right now. I am loving that it is up the road from where I live. I am loving how proud of Great Britain I feel.

I love the interactive button on my TV remote that allows me to watch what I want when it is on.

The opening ceremony was awesome. Although my ignorance had me wondering,

‘Who is Danny Boyle -_- ‘

Bloody genius!

Day three and I am loving it!

Anyone else loving it?

STUBBED OUT

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DON'T ASK ME

Something so simple can throw me off my whole day. Do I need structure and planning in my life to feel safe? Uncertainty and surprises can make for an interesting life but when I need life to be dull and uneventful it's because I can feel that dark cloud above me.


Today I tried to have my whole day planned out. It is only 4pm and my day has in no way played out the way I hoped. Little things that change and big things equally throw me off. Don't ask me why as the only explanation I have ever thought that made sense, is anxiety and depression.


I have hidden for a while that I suffer with mental health issues. Shame mostly. I thought I could make myself better. Ignorance is bliss. Denial works, for a time. I hate that I suffer but since trying to understand the beast, those moments when I can't breath and cry, have started to make sense.


I have gone a while without having a panic attack. Today I had two.


Having a panic attack while at home is still shit but happy its happening at home. My first one hit me in the playground of my sons infant school. Not good. Forgot what I was doing, where I was going, wanted to get to my car but was a bit spaced out to get to it.
My only saving grace in these situations in my phone. So I made a phone call- that got me to my car. Here I say crying and shaking.


I wanted to get home- quick. I managed to gather myself enough to drive, while driving I was still taking deep breaths and concentrating on getting home. it was not until I pulled on to my drive that I realized I had dug my nails into my steering wheel.


once home and through the door i curled up and cried. I wanted to talk to someone, call someone. I wanted to call my brother. I didn't he would tell me I should have but he is on Holiday and I didn't want to ruin his day with my shit. 


It has been a long and trying couple of weeks for one reason or another and so it is no surprise ( now, now its all over ) that it all came to ahead. at the time everything feels huge but after it all don't seem rational.


 I am exhausted and so I have found myself hiding out in my comfortable place. Figured I would blog while it is all so fresh in my mind.




Sent from my iPhone

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIENDS...

 My fitness level is shocking. I am sure I was fitter than this. I must be getting old – fast. Having decided to pull all my energies into hating certain gym equipment I felt this might be something I should blog about. Not that I am out of subject matter. I just want to keep away from the pending, ‘anal sex’ blog for now.

Anyway... So meet my friend...

Mr. Tready – aka Mr. Safe

The treadmill – his a tad boring so I need to take some entertainment when I am using him. I can do him as slow or fast as I like... I can go up and down at my own leisure plus he is a nice chap he will blow cool air onto my face when I press his special button! I can go all day on him but I would get very bored! So 10- 20 minutes

My other friend

Mr. Ride aka Mr.Bumsore

The bike- his a little more interesting than tready, He hurts my arse more and makes me work for my distance.  I like the bike I like to ride his uncomfortable seat for a good 20 minutes. I can text from his place, whilst riding and never dropping my rph! I can even ride him while closing my eyes and day dreaming of other men!

and now ...

The bad boy... the one you love to hate...

The cross trainer! Aka – fucking bastard

Now he gives me a run for my money. His neither boring nor uncomfortable. He don’t let me text nor sing or talk for that matter. On some occasions this fucking bastard has be breathless and losing my entire bodies water contents through my skin. He don’t let me slow down nor close my eyes and think of anyone but him and his tick tock timer. His tick tock timer is something that seems to goad me on. I should – should be doing 20 minutes on this fucking bastard. However, I can not make that amount of time as of yet. Each time I try but he beats me and I have to stop. So far I am up to a whopping 12 minutes. This is an increase from my start of 5 minutes. But progress is progress right? The fitter I get the more I will kick his arse!

The one every woman should have...

Mr. Abs aka, crunch

This is a nice way of doing those horrid sit ups without doing sit ups... i like this one... 2 sets of 10 reps!

They are not the only machine I attempt. I can not for the life of me think of what the names of the other machines are called. Other than, the one that does your arms, the one that you twist yourself to the side and the one you open with your thighs!

I think that will do for now.