DON'T ASK ME

Something so simple can throw me off my whole day. Do I need structure and planning in my life to feel safe? Uncertainty and surprises can make for an interesting life but when I need life to be dull and uneventful it's because I can feel that dark cloud above me.


Today I tried to have my whole day planned out. It is only 4pm and my day has in no way played out the way I hoped. Little things that change and big things equally throw me off. Don't ask me why as the only explanation I have ever thought that made sense, is anxiety and depression.


I have hidden for a while that I suffer with mental health issues. Shame mostly. I thought I could make myself better. Ignorance is bliss. Denial works, for a time. I hate that I suffer but since trying to understand the beast, those moments when I can't breath and cry, have started to make sense.


I have gone a while without having a panic attack. Today I had two.


Having a panic attack while at home is still shit but happy its happening at home. My first one hit me in the playground of my sons infant school. Not good. Forgot what I was doing, where I was going, wanted to get to my car but was a bit spaced out to get to it.
My only saving grace in these situations in my phone. So I made a phone call- that got me to my car. Here I say crying and shaking.


I wanted to get home- quick. I managed to gather myself enough to drive, while driving I was still taking deep breaths and concentrating on getting home. it was not until I pulled on to my drive that I realized I had dug my nails into my steering wheel.


once home and through the door i curled up and cried. I wanted to talk to someone, call someone. I wanted to call my brother. I didn't he would tell me I should have but he is on Holiday and I didn't want to ruin his day with my shit. 


It has been a long and trying couple of weeks for one reason or another and so it is no surprise ( now, now its all over ) that it all came to ahead. at the time everything feels huge but after it all don't seem rational.


 I am exhausted and so I have found myself hiding out in my comfortable place. Figured I would blog while it is all so fresh in my mind.




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