NEW YEARS EVE, EVE

Wow I seem to be managing a whole two posts a year just a slight difference from sometimes 3 a day! 

Another outstanding Christmas as just past and I can only feel humble and blessed, blessed for my family and friends.

This Christmas was the last that was magical, Magical in the sense that Santa was visiting us. Seems that years have passed me by and my youngest is no longer a young child that can be misdirected.

I mean, he is my child so his cunning willingness to seek out the truth shouldn't be all that of a surprise. But... Like most parents or most people in general might say,' I thought I would have a little bit longer' before reality kicks in. *sigh*

I have fond memories of Christmases past that will warm my heart for all time and with that I shall consider the issue closed.

my grown up boys

So it's that time of year I often think, new year, new me, new thinking all that bullshit but let's face it it's just a change of digits on the date. That's not to say the optimist in me is not trying to secretly lay hope in trying harder, doing more, being better. I can only take each day as it comes. 

2013 brought a new and challenging relationship, not just with my partner Dave but his family too. My constant fears of being misunderstood and judged played heavily for a while but I feel I have found my place and time has allowed all my glorious angles to be shown. *cough*

We have spoke of future plans, Holiday's, babies and such but we did get a kitten early this year. his a little shit but lovely. He even gets on with my other two girl cats..

Dexter

My relationship gets stronger each day, I surprise myself sometimes I feel very content. I definitely feel I met the one for me J

The birth of my second nephew was dramatic and more emotional than I could have ever imagined. I have so enjoyed watching both my nephews grow this year. Amazing 

The loss of my Nan. 

may she rest in peace

This came as a shock to my system. I was very young when my other grand parents passed away. I spent a lot of time with my one and only grand parent that was left. I hated seeing her age but felted blessed to still have her. I hate that she has gone. I hate that I missed time with her. I hate how guilty I feel about how often I visited and often had a moan. I hate that part of myself. I hope she don't hate me and she can forgive me for all the crappy stuff I did and said.  I guess I should be lucky, lucky that I have just now at the age of 34, experienced such a huge loss. I understand other people have losses I just I didn't think that I could? Or I would? Feel so pained? Why I might have thought this, is beyond me. Ignorance perhaps. Or maybe the only pain from loss I was willing to consider and fear would be the loss of my parents or my brother?

Am I strange that on some level my head knows one day and my heart filled heavy at the mere thought! One day. But hopes no day! 

I can't imagine my life without them and I didn't imagine my life without my Nan. Life feels a little harder since she passed over. Again I say I should feel lucky but I am not quite there yet. 

A poem, picture, memories that will last forever and a lot of love felt from and given to you Nan. Miss you more that I ever thought possible. 

 I still can't believe it

I still feel you here

Maybe it’s my ignorance

Maybe it's fear

I often sit, thinking in a bit of daze

Places we went in the early days

Family Holidays, weddings and parties those were the days

Oh, the Hell we raised!

Walking in your house welcome by an embrace

Chatting and laughing the smile on your face

You are loved so much by all of us Nan

We will try our best to make you proud

In whatever way we can

I hope you can hear me singing your praise

As I sit and recap on our precious days.

I can not promise no more tears I will shed

As you are still alive in my heart and in my head

I know in my heart that you are not alone

As on your plot I left a heart shaped stone

We will all pop in on you now and then

And we'll tell you how much we love you and miss you

Amen

I light a candle and say a prayer for you and for all my family, close, far, extended or adopted that might be struggling with their own challenges. My thoughts are with you all this New Year's Eve, eve and hope the New Year brings good health and plenty of joy. 

Family is only a text, message, and phone call away 

Mel xx

TOLERANCE

Tolerance 

I remember thinking once about love and why love can cause so much trouble for some people. Relationships for one - kids another. The difference between each person and that love means something different for each of them. It could be said that as you don't love how I love then you must not love at all. 

I think I remember feeling this way once. So how does that love or level of what is considered love seed from?
I will come back to that.

Most might know I am no stranger to trashy TV shows. A sudden intake of breath I hear! 

But we all have our little things we like to indulge our time with. Looking at love as a subject matter in this trashy tv culture I can't help but wonder how most of the people can utter the love word.

 
I once might have thought that men don't feel the intenseness of love the same as women might. This was not a simple thing to look at but I felt I wanted to look at it so I did. 

Where do we learn love from? Our parents? Our peers? Or is it primal and human and we simply feel it. And then as educated humans and by various means understand that feeling of love?
Do we watch our mothers or fathers and learn what love is from them? 
Do we see that our main care giver has a daily tolerance for love. 

A child could be a nuisance all day long and test every single level of love and patience but that cry at 2 am when the child is ill- all the days annoyance has all been forgotten. Is that love? Watching a parent or care giver take words or actions of hate and contempt from a young adult but a phone call crying for help and all the past has simply gone and they hurry to the young adults aid. Does this teach love or forgiveness or both?

Most might associate with being a mum or watching their mum in similar scenarios as just mentioned. Day in day out mum or dad is there work or not, morning, noon or night. Do we see this as love and it stays with us as a recognisable level of love.? 

If that is the case having an absent parent or a nasty bastard parent every day does that mean a person growing up only sees that as the right way to treat others and recognises that kind of behaviour they have witnessed as a level of love and caring?

 
It begs the question about the level of love that some people will allow themselves to give or feel or simply give at a boundless level. 

Maybe I should not spend so much time thinking about this stuff and watch more Jeremy Kyle !!

I will come back to that later ;)

Mel x

Struggling

Begin forwarded message:

>
>
> 27/04/2013 08:06
>
> Struggling today day 10 of no cigarettes. Although I am incredibly proud of both Dave and me I can't help but crave a fag right now. I look at how much money we have saved by not smoking and also feel shame and shock at how we ever managed to afford to smoke. Then another awesome wave of guilt washes over me when I think of all the help and bail outs Dave and I have had from our families. It's just plain silly. Having used smoking as a way to deal with stress is never a good thing. I am tired from erratic sleep patterns and I ache in my head and jaw from clenching my mouth closed or being tense.
>
> Everyday except from today I have woke in a reasonably positive place, not saying my grumpiness is positive but it passes after a rant where's this feeling is pretty dark.
>
> I have managed to keep positive thoughts in my head. I feel I need to remind myself of the good stuff through the therapy of words. Also ranting about the crappy feeling will help set that bastard free!!
>
> I don't smell like fags, my kids, my home even my cats some smell of stail smoke now. I have more energy even if I burn myself out. I feel more positive and productive. I have managed to sort a few things out that I would normally find a reason not to bother. My skin, although it looks warmer and feels nice I have a break out in spots :(
>
> My hair feels nice. My teeth are whiter. My breathing is longer and I can take a nice long breath and it not hurt or ache. I have not coughed alot and I have not coughed up all the mucus and shit yet. Waiting for that delightful moment.
>
> Food tastes very nice and drink feels refreshing in my mouth.
>
> The longer I go without fags the better my health will be. My kids will have a mummy for longer.
>
> My weight is a whole different issue something I will address soon but every time I put food in my mouth I am more aware of what I am eating as I do not want to gain weight if I can help it. It is about remaining in control and my class a control freak tendencies are thriving.
>
> I just made myself smile. I can do this. I will do this. I have enjoyed the feeling of superiority as I walk past the fag counter in the shop. I have felt that feeling of pride within myself when I smell smoke on others, I have felt that moment of disgust when I see how unattractive smoking is on a woman.
>
> I feel glad I am not dependant on the fags. Although the start of today I have felt its absence. This post is pushing that want/need away nicely.
>
> Thanks blog world and to all that follow me on Facebook. Your support is greatly appreciated.
>
>
> Mel x
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>

TRY

It doesn’t take much to get me thinking; in fact it probably takes a lot more effort to stop myself from thinking. I have always thought that the more free time I had the more I would have random thoughts. This is quite often the case. I even, for a time felt I needed to set time aside to allow my mind to run wild, to outlet all my stupid thoughts via writing or talking. I used chat rooms to chat shit. I feel I have not allowed myself an outlet for my shit for a while. What happens when you leave something bubbling on boil for too long??

So here I am 5 months into a relationship with a pretty amazing guy and the poor bastard now has to deal with my stupid head. We have spoke extensively about my stupid brain and why some of my stupid shit is bubbling over. I can’t help but be scared of relationships all together. As lonely as I felt when I was not in one the pressure to ‘give a shit’ was not there. I found it easy to portray, ‘I don’t give a shit’ whilst secretly yeaning to have someone to give a shit about but in return be the shit that someone cares about. I have that now and my stupid brain just won’t let it be.

This causes me annoyance I have a lot of insecurities and self esteem issues and my stupid brain is happy to go on a search party looking for a reason why he shouldn’t be with me. Things like …My weight? My skin? My hair? My nose? My chin? My monkey feet? My cooking skills? My bithcy side? My arsehole side? My dirty mind? My abilities to appear stupid? My jokes? My stupendous winding up skills? My class and epic sense of humour? My random taste in music? My love and passion for movies? My fingers? My writing? My thoughts? My exceptional dancing skills? My xfactor singing voice? My bunny boiler tendencies? Paranoia?  My charms? My wits? My capability to seem like a bloke? My Xbox playing skills? Non drinking? My family? The way I sleep? My x rated sexual skills? My farty bum? My burping? My clumsiness?  Thing is all this shit has been exposed to my poor bastard boyfriend and that silly sod still loves me….. So it is my brain!! My brain is the reason I will fuck everything up. So how do I shut that stupid shithead brain up? Some drugs? Drinks? Sex? Movies? Candy crush? Poker? Gambling? Therapy to cage that savage bitch? Well yes of course most will know I believe in therapy but I am not enjoying the ever lasting waiting list to be seen. 

Why am I so fucking scared to just let go and try? Why do I need to have the higher meaning of control?, surely my fear of being hurt is a key element of this? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of losing David? Fear of losing this feeling of togetherness? fear of going back to how my life was before? fear of loss?

 I heard this song and felt I could connect to it.

PINK LYRICS

"Try"

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

BABY TALK

Just as I think that I am getting a handle on which I am something will come along and give me a jolt off my ‘proposed’ plan. I say proposed as I thought for sometime that I knew my direction and knew who I was and where I was going. So the ideals that I have been convincing myself off for many many years are all suddenly coming apart at the seams. Not just silly little thing but massive things too.

 

One of my ideals was towards the army and I had uttered the words, “I would never date a Squaddie.” I would never condone what the army represents. This is a 'me' issue and I am aware of what and why. Now I am faced with the idea that my son wants to join the army. This is still processing in my mind. MORE ABOUT MY KIDS 

I always thought I was open minded until recently. And….

 

I never thought I would even entertain the idea of having another child but my heart is holding on to the idea with both hands and nothing in my mind is letting my heart let go of that. Even the really negative shit I think and feel is not swaying my heart. Having said that I do question if my ‘mental health’ is in the right place, my doctor has now confused my mind even more. He said some things that sent another earth shattering reality through me. I have to learn some more things about myself and who I am in a relationship.

 

 

 

My age and the fact I have many lovely cuddles with my new nephew Harry....

 

WELCOME HARRY....

 

 

 He is sooooo amazing so beautiful soooo wonderful. My brother and sis-in law done an awesome job. Love you all so much xoxoxo

 

 

I really want to have a baby with my lovely boyfriend Dave! I really want more kids!

 

 

 

I can only refer back through my previous blogs when I think about Mel vs. Melissa and that I am still struggling with the balance. Will this balance ever really level out>? Life changes every day so I guess that means I need to be willing to change every day. Change scares me as I worry that feelings will change and I will lose something/ someone close to me as their life, feelings, thoughts will change and that will in effect – effect me.

 

So learning to be self sufficient without being reliant on one other person is a task but being true to me without being selfish is what is needed. I want to move forward with my life without feelings of guilt. I have not spoke much about my role in my family on my blog but I feel there is expectation of me to do the right thing but part of me always wants to rebel and do what my heart is screaming. Life has taught me to think about what I am doing and to take my time even when my heart is aching to push forward.

 

I had some pretty fucked up dreams over the last 2 weeks. Sleep pattern totally mangled as I was waiting for Harry to arrive. One of the fucked up dreams I had I was asking myself, “What can I do today to help me feel better?”  And so I compiled a list. I can not share my list as its private shit :p lol

WHAT MY KIDS ARE UP TO...

What my kids are up to …

 

As some might know that my oldest – Robert (you might remember me writing about him in 'little feet.' He was such a little baby anyway…) Robert is now 14 and is a R.A.F cadet

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soooo proud of him… he wants to progress on with the R.A.F and is currently looking into what grades he needs to go into the army. This is something I am still progressing as a parent.

 

Robert recently went to a cadet meal and he looked amazing ….

 

 

 

Such a proud mum!

 

My youngest Charlie loves you tube and his Xbox and wants to be a 'you tuber'. He wants to video his games and posts them online. I toyed with the idea and I opened a you tube account for him, that I can monitor. I still refuse to open him up a face book account and he is not really that interested in it anyway. Some of his videos have been uploaded. He likes to muck around taking videos of himself and it is nice to watch him explore the programs on the computer to make them fun…

 

 

 

 

CHARLIE'S YOU TUBE

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thought I would share this with you all :)

Melissa Vs. Mel

Melissa vs. Mel

 

I am going to attempt to break down my personality. There is always a core part of me. I will refer to this core (never changing) part of me as ME.

 

Let's start with Melissa. Melissa represents the sound, grounded, respectful part of my main person. Melissa is a persona - an ego of sorts. You have all met Melissa. Melissa is the girl turned woman that you see at family events and on a one to one basis. Melissa will often be well presented and polite.

 

Melissa is the driven part of me that wants to make people happy always looking for acceptance. Melissa wants to be seen as good and well adjusted. Melissa is the daughter anyone would be proud of. Melissa is smart and funny and easy going I would go as far to say this is a core part of ME. Melissa wants to do the right thing and wants to make her family proud. Melissa wants to be truthful to all around her, Melissa has tact.

 

 

Mel - Mel also represents a part of my core ME mimicking traits of Melissa but has a different agenda as an ego. Mel doesn’t want to please others she wants to please herself. Mel doesn’t care - or at lease tries very hard to not show others that she might or might not to care about other people's feelings. You might have met Mel at some more recent family events. More so, on a one to one. Mel try's to be honest but is often in core debate about it. Honesty normally prevails as ME. Mel is more self preserving. Mel will be reckless and spontaneous. Mel will do the things she wants. You did meet Mel as a teenager! Mel would rather live life without regret than regret living life. Mel is fun. But only in small doses. Mel can sabotage happiness. Mel's fun self can feel suffocated and want to be set free. Again self persevering. Mel doesn’t want to be or won't be beaten down.

 

I have probably shown good and bad aspects of both Mel and Melissa and while in therapy I have often asked myself who would win?!?

 

I have come to see that neither Mel or Melissa are inherently bad but merging both together and working on the harsher parts whist being honest about what I want and need. Putting time aside for me and others is feasible. Being fun but not stupid is achievable. Being honest but respectful is taxing but is doable. Not living my life like its being watched and judged is something I am working on. portraying a life and personality that is perfect, absolutely unrealistic and unachievable!

But.. Why do I worry so much about what people think? What they think of what I do or did or what I might do next. Did I mention Mel was a narcissist??

 

 

 

More soon……….

Mel

Fooking Friday

Have you ever been on a diet and had the feeling of wanting to eat and eat? A hunger that can not be fulfilled but that nagging diet keeps telling you no? If you have been here you might remember being a tad grumpy perhaps. A tiny bit agitated with yourself? The diet? Your mind? Your tummy? Is it boredom? Should you exercise to kill the need and want to that food you can't get out of your head? Perhaps food is a bad example...
Maybe a cigertte, maybe that feeling that you have one nerve and everyone is dancing on it. All you can think about is going out, giving in! and walking over to get some fags?

See that restless arsehole of a mood?
Yea I have that today but I can and will smoke and I ain't even in the same county as being on a diet. So why so miserable?

I note that I have had this feeling before and blamed it on diets and exercise I have even blamed it on being single and alone, I've blamed sexual frustration! So how is it that all my needs are being fulfilled yet I still have this deep and annoying feeling??

I laugh as I read that back as I can see that I have been blaming anything and everything for my moods. I can't help but address the fact that I have not been in a 'real relationship' for many years. Not to move off point for a second but I have recently noticed a change in myself, a true and honest part of myself that I have allowed my partner to see. No faking!

This true self is refreshing and less exhausting as I am being myself. However, seeing myself in all my own blazing glory has been a little bit of a shock. I may be happier pretending to be someone with a fair amount of faults but I was only showing a small part of my private shit and have been happy to show parts of them to others in life and blog but for ME to truly see ALL my really bad parts AND my partner to see them, look at them analyse them and address them non-judgmentally is a total mind fuck.

Have I grown up? I am not just gliding from one guy to another. I am in a real relationship! How did that happen? I let someone in!? I've found someone that truly understands and accepts me!

His still sitting next to me?? After that shit??? Omg?? I was sure that was going to drive him away??!!?? These thoughts have crossed my mind a few times over the last 3 months.

I might have been foolish to think that being in a relationship would stop my moody, insecure, impulsive, paranoid, sad, cynical, lazy self.

Funny I don't feel as agitated now........

The balance between Mel and Melissa is merging. Melissa Vs. Mel is my next post.

I'M BACK BITCHES

YES! I am back bitches... have you missed me??

Wow I really have neglected the blog reading world. I can do nothing but apologies but the real world sucked me in and ate me up!

So Christmas came and went! Had a wonderful time with my amazing family. My heart wasn’t in it exactly as my children are getting older and that, ‘magic’ has seemed too fizzy a tad. This makes me feel a bit sad.

New Year was a little bit of an anticlimax also but my continuing cluster fuck of mood swings has no sense of time, so feeling increasingly anxious and down on that particular evening was just shit luck.

So… what’s been happening in Mel’s world.. I hear you asking with breath that is baited.

As most will know I do live an incredibly dull life but I do seem too attracted my own amounts of drama, either that or I create them so I don’t get bored!

So having spent a full year of being single and in a vain attempt to help out a loved one. I decided to poke around the avid and lucrative site that is, 'plenty of fish.' Now, after only few hours I knew this site was a bad move, bad bad bad move! People like me should not be allowed on to these sites!

In retrospect I can’t hate it but I will blog a post coating the whole plenty of fish community and expectations that comes with online dating sites. You can look forward to that post coming soon!

2 weeks on plenty of fish and 3 dates, then off the site for 3 weeks then back on 1 day for another date – or 3. ( mummies boy- another post about that some other time) I then tired of it. Tired of the bullshit. So I figured I would write an outstandingly repelling profile. I can now reveal this was the perfect bait to catch a fish. I choose to not add a picture either so I could seem too many as a no go zone.

My profile has now been deleted. Since I met David. I should probably ask him if it’s OK to refer to him by his real name. I will do that later ;)

So we spent some time talking on Xbox live and playing games, then we exchange phone numbers to text, then to phone calls and face time, then to dates to now spending a lot of time together. I can honestly say I am in a fairly nice place. I still struggle with my insecurities and paranoia, sadness and anxiety but Dave has seen some of my worst stuff and has been amazingly supportive and understanding with it all. Probably because his crazy like me! Anyone seen the movie silver lining playbook??

As I have not been in a relationship while I have been a blogger, I have a sneaky feeling I might come across some challenges and funny shit that I will share. As most will know I am a firm believer in blogging- it -out. I wonder if this will be amusing and enlightening to myself and many. We will have to see....

The time for learning new things about myself has already begun...

enough said....for now...

Ha my life is sometimes nothing but dull and sometimes it is mental!

I am back in therapy in the next few months and hoping to rejoin the working world sometime later this year. I can not wait for the warm weather and my good old friend that is a massive ball of fire that burns in the sky.

This year feels like many new possibilities and adventures. I hope I have not just jinxed myself and my own happiness.

more posts soon…..

Mel x