WAKEY WAKEY

So I figured I would steal 30 minutes while Max, our 8 week old bubba sleeps in a swirl of cal pol due to 8 week jabs. I am able to flick my eyes over my screen to keep watching him. so still, so quite, so asleep!


On the 30/10 David and I became parents to our beautiful baby boy Max. As my previous posts mentioned, I was in and out of hospital with a cluster of issues. The pre eclampsia that was peeking its head made an appearance on the Sunday, made an appearance in my wee wee.
As time is limited I can not chance going in to the whole drama that came about after the Sunday but just let me say Monday Mr big cheese consultant said to book me in on the Thursday for c section. Estimated weight of baby was 5lbs 13oz at that point.
Hop, skip and a jump and a stressed out Thursday day of nil by mouth and waiting for a cot in NICU ( baby was 34 weeks exactly ) so protocol depicts that 34 week babies go to NICU.
Finally the word came down that they was ready for me.
At 5pm we went down and 30 minutes later our son was being ventilated in theatre. He was quickly taken down to NICU so fast I didn't even get to see him.

I cried endlessly as I had not got to see him with my own eyes, just photos and videos. I felt empty without him.

Max weighed 5lbs 6oz and had s little trouble removing mucus from his lungs. Even though I had steroids his lungs needed a little help. He was aided for 4 hrs then CPAP for 3 hrs. By the morning he was unaided. I was up and out of bed and down to see him Friday morning. What a trooper! I met my baby 19 hours after he was born.

                                 We was able to cuddle him on the Saturday. I cried my heart out. 

                      

Anywhoooo a week later he was home with us and thus the fun began. I sadly had become a custom to 10 hrs solid sleep sooooo coping on 3 hrs over 36 hours was a tad of a shock. I mean I knew it was going to be like this but I thought I would of adapted to it easier? Sooner? Still not totally there 8 weeks on but holy crap I feel my age!

Max is so amazing and lovely, sleep is just something I need now and then. When I had a full nights sleep I couldn't function for shit! I think I do better on 4-5 hrs sleep. although I lag to fuck and yawn all the time so basically my baseline is feeling pretty fucked. I think I do 'ok' but how I feel and how I think can be different.

I feel like a first time mum. I feel inadequate. I feel like I struggle a lot. My anxiety is on a high level. I worry worry worry. OCD worry. I feel fat and tired and strained. I feel everyone is on my case and I can't do anything right. I have to remind myself to wash my hair. I make time to wash! But have not spent time looking after ME! I have clasped at the point of exhaustion and eaten a cold meal while having my eyes closed. I have dropped to my knees in tears and wiped my own snot and tears on my jumper sleeve many times. I have screamed at everyone around me for no good reason and cried for an hours from guilt. I have been through the middle of it all and come out this side.

I have had to ask my son to sit with Max to sit on the loo for longer than 2 minutes! Do miss a long relaxing toilet visit. Used to play my games, browse Face book, write lists of what I need to do, sort out,banking! Things I need to do or get.
I forget everything, all the time! Max's bag, his dummy, my phone and often my shoes or to do my hair. Do anything to my hair. A simple trip to Asda was more like a 10 hour intense play on the Krypton factor!
I have burnt about 6 dinners. I've missed 4 direct debit payments. I have failed to attend 3 appointments and one blood test. I have run 40 minutes late for a month! So imagine how delightful it was to have Christmas on the page too!

Sooo along with Christmas shopping ( thank the online gods) visiting Family and writing cards and wrapping gifts, whilst being massively sleep deprived, AND dealing with 3 cats that we needed to watch closely as they could of had a spat at Max. However, they didn't! we were endlessly making sure they wasn't sleeping on his beds, pram, chair, pile of Max's washing, AND dealing with one teenager ( that's a post all on its own!) one 10 year old, my partner returning to work, AND general running of home AND  trying to buy a new car as while I may be able to fit a cot and 3 people in a Ka we could not fit a friggling car seat and 3 people in a Ka! all the while recovering from a c section and having to depend on my partner to drive - everywhere! AND having massive bleeds if I did too much. and battling post natal depression! AND trying to cook a meal without burning it! AND sleeping on the sofa because simply going up stairs to be was so much effort at that point, ' I am just going to lay here' was all I could muster. AND maintain a relationship!.... I can honestly say I am pretty happy!

It is a warm and fuzzy feeling and a smile on my face as I sit here 45 minutes past my allocated 30 minutes ( dinner burning) posting my wake up call on line.

So if you are 36 and in not great shape and thinking of having a third child 10 years since your last and 16 since your first, take note of pregnancy issues and a massive shock to the system. and say, sleep? who needs sleep anyway.....

I wouldn't change it for all the gold and rainbows in the world. I am thankful for all that I have and all that is around me, my kids my soul mate David, my family. I am glad I am tired and haggard. I have a beautiful family that I love more than life its self. I love them all so much. I wouldn't want it any other way. 












A huge thank you to everyone that supported David, the kids and me though the whole shenanigans and all cards and gifts that were sent and given to us. we really so appreciate you all. 

xox

Have I spoke too soon?...

Why can't a headache simply be a headache? 

Another week has passed and I am now in week 33! 
This is good news as from week 26 everything has been a little bit tougher. 

Still being monitored every other day. Meds doing their job. Blood work is all showing normal although my ever sustainable protein in my pee still baffles the docs. 

Today hours of waiting to find out what they want to do (again) all tests show normal so off home we go. 

Scan on Friday at Kings as antibodies levels are stable and have not increased. Baby is happy grooving and prodding. So it's been a better medical health week but a straining mental one. 

The hospital have me scared. I have a head ache and feel tired, cold and crappy. They make me feel like, ' this is it' so I do everything they want me to do and find myself feeling no better about it. 
If I'd just laid down as I felt shit I would probably feel better.

When a headache can't just be a headache. 

But trying to stay off the negative train. 

Yesterday my little man Charlie had an awesome 10th birthday. 
He got everything he wanted and more. He thanks everyone that sent birthday wishes, cards and gifts. 
We all has a wonderful day.

So let's hope I have not spoke too soon and I make it through to next week without incident. 

Here's hoping.....

pre-eclampsia

What a week….

Still in and out of hospital. Where to start. I came home on Thursday evening after being admitted into hospital for high blood pressure. Friday I had to visit MAC (Maternity assessment unit) to check on my blood pressure. 30 minutes in – out – brilliant. So the new plan of care started off pretty fine. The community Midwife came out to me Saturday 15 minute BP check, urine – listen to baby in and out. Did jack shit Sunday and Monday. I rested! Back to MAC on Tuesday nice and early quick in and out 40 minute turn around awesome!

Wednesday routine appointment at 9 with diabetic midwife, appointment has been book a week. Feeling pretty good. Want to get in there get out pop into town to do some birthday stuff for my Charlie’s 10^th birthday next week. Got shopping being delivered between 12-1. Looking forward to my ham rolls when I get in!

I wasn’t feeling particularly stressed I was irritated by the wait but no biggie.

Diabetic midwife is Joanne and she lovely she always gives me a cuddle. What can I say I am just a big cuddly lion.

She checks my blood pressure and gives me that look, the look I have seen a few times now. She takes a deep breath and her shoulders slump. 150/100. I roll my eyes and ask her to check it again in a minute. She passes me over to the diabetic consultant. I am in a room with 2 med students, the big cheese diabetic consultant, diabetic midwife and an in training consultant. She started off chatting about my case. My diabetes is under control (yay) the metformin is doing its job. I am doing my best.

I Mentioned I had even lost weight at last week’s weigh in. The consultant mentions the protein in my urine. It is Plus2 again. This seems to be my baseline. I have done a 24 hour urine test to try and work out why the protein is there, even wanted to send me for a kidney scan to check it was not my kidneys failing! Alas, no answers to this riddle other than … pre-eclampsia.

They mention the blood pressure. Diabetic midwife suggests that it be rechecked – manually. She looked at big cheese consultant and he laughed. I laughed too and said, he probably hasn’t taken a blood pressure for 10 plus years! Dave said, he don’t even make his own coffee! So the med student step up lively and asked if it were ok if he tried. Yea sure no problems. Two attempts later 160/100

(Oh fuck)

The Consultant asks about medication for high blood pressure. That is one thing I am not taking medication for. But I was given a dose of labetalol last week when I was in hospital and it worked well. The consultant keeps saying pre-eclampsia and insists I go to MAC.

So off to MAC we go. I pass the screening co-ordinator that I was supposed to see quickly about my funky blood. I sit and wait for a moment and that’s when the headache hits me. Feels like someone hit me in the back of the head with a bat. Feeling a bit sicky and uneasy on my feet. I tell Dave how I am feeling and he can see me looking offish.

We tell the screening coordinator we are going to MAC because of my blood pressure. The lift to the upper floor nearly knocked me off my feet. We walk into MAC it’s packed with people as usual. I tell receptionist that the diabetes consultant sent me up with blood pressure 160/100.  I can barely catch a breath.  She leads me to the toilet and asks me if I can pee. Dave holds me up but soon tells me to sit down. He brings me water. I feel like I am about to fall over. They still need me to pee. Dave comes in and helps me. As we exit the toilet the midwife has me in a side room. I sit on the bed. Then I slowly slip down and lay on the bed. The light is killing me. My head is pounding and the fizzy lights start to dance over my vision with the beat of my pulse. Dave squeezes my hand. My hands are swollen (have they been like that all day?)  I tell him about the fizzy lights.

He tells a midwife. The midwife is in talking to me, then 2 then 3 and then the registrar.

Blood pressure check, 160/110.

They turn the lights off, some relief. Doc writes up for meds for blood pressure and pain relief. I down them. They get a line in my left arm and take a few viles of blood to send off. They tell Dave we are going down to labour ward.

They monitor baby. Steady heart rate not much movement. Head is pounding more. They take me down to labour ward. I close my eyes the whole trip down. I am trying to process what is happening but my head will not ease up enough for me to think straight.

I start to shit myself. My tummy in knots. I cry. I shake. The midwife brings in a bag and a tube. (Oh I know this. Looks like a catheter.)  Yep they want that in side me now to collect my pee.

- This is it, this is really it- I am going down, am I dying? Am I going to go down and have my baby now? Omg omg!!

Blood pressure machine hitting 160/108. Still every 5 minutes it’s pumping up my arm. A moment of silence. I look at Dave, we just look at each other. We both have fear and I grip his hand tighter.

My head gets heavy and the blood pressure machine inflates - then beeps. 150/92. It starts to come down. Then 148/89 and lower and lower and lower. Head still buzzy but nerves and anxiety big and loud. Blood pressure sits at 126/66. The doctor reviews my case. He wants 30 minutes obs and see what happens. I beg for the catheter to be taken out. Missed Phone calls on my phone, voicemails, bollocks!  The shopping is trying to be delivered! The Kids need to be sorted out. The phone reception is shit. No one answering their phones. Dave’s steps out to sort everything out and call my mum. He comes back and we sit talking .I start to feel a bit more myself.

Doctors back. They read off my notes. Doc confirms that I don’t need catheter in any more. (Thank fuck) I wait impatiently for the midwife to slide that bastard out. I get up and go to the toilet. I take a minute for myself. I sit and think what the holy fuck just happened? Baby starts to prod my side. I hold my tummy and let out a little cry of relief. His not coming out now and I am not dying right now. Deep breath.

That is what happened Wednesday. My blood pressure stayed ‘normal’ till 5 pm then started to creep back up. They treated me again with meds and blood pressure went down. I was sitting up eating and joking with the midwife and doc about going home and they let me leave but I had to come back to MAC 9 am next morning for more meds and my OB consultant to review new med plan. And home I went.

Slept like a baby and back to MAC spent all day waiting for Mr OB big cheese to come see us and tell us his happy for me to go home with meds and stay monitored at MAC three times a week until – well as long as I can. As long as the meds are working as long as my health is ok – as long as baby is doing ok.  And so I was sent on my merry way.

Didn’t get up to much today I rested and enjoyed my baby moving around my tummy. I got some paper work down and I figured I would air my head of this week’s drama.

Now I am at MAC tomorrow at 12.30 and now we have free parking at the hospital too. Let’s hopes the drugs keep me in the green for a little while longer. As pre-eclampsia is there lying dormant. Are we waiting for it to rear its head or will it just sit in the back ground……?

To be continued….

Hat off to Max

I declare this round a draw!

No really tipping my hat off to you Max!

I have been released from prison.... Erm I mean hospital! God bless the nurses and Dr.s at maternity!...

However, almost 3 days in hospital and my farts should come with yellow stickers! Too much? Sorry but hospital food! On the ward is awful! But in the restaurant yumm tiddly tumm. Hospital = kuuurrr-chingggg!!

Money money money. Food, car parks, two-ing throwing, kids being taken care of, after school clubs! On and on! So home now! 

Soo news update.....

Consultant drew up a plan of care for all to follow. I am still under 'ultra care' and they are going to follow this plan as long as possible. If they have to intervene before hand they have tried to give baby best chance via meds and steroids. 

They are hoping the plan can stay in place at least till I am 34 weeks. Then they would feel better about delivering baby. Meanwhile just monitoring my health and well being as the lovely lump in my tummy seems to be very well and doing everything to please the Dr.s.

This makes me happy that swaby baby is happy. 

Since being let home I have been monitored and so far blood pressure is being very well behaved. 

I have a handle on my blood sugars. My antibody count has not increased any more since the start of September. Scans show baby is all on track and the antibodies are not harming him right now. This keeps Kings College London happy too. 

The funky blood I have still has some of the midwifes asking questions and the screening coordinator are dig dig digging to find out how it got into my blood. As my getting these antibodies from the blood transfusion I had in 2004 would look bad on them I guess. 

I was advised not to have any more pregnancies after this one. Not only as 4 c sections are dangerous but all my issues make it hard to treat me, as one thing sets off another and so on. I was advised to be sterilised at the same time as c section. 

Omg right? 

They even said to Dave that it would be easier to get him done than me as risk would be lower - unless I had it done minutes after delivery of our baby. 

Massive thing to think about still can't get my head round it!

So I am being looked after at home. Dave has been amazing and my kids too. Both our family support is so humbling I can not thank them all enough for their kindness. I was advised to rest. One set of instructions I plan on following!

Nice restful weekend now. Started at 4.30 this afternoon with a long hot bubble bath, nails painted, lovely long hair brushing and back and neck rub, a cuddle with dave and a lovely big bed to look forward too. Baby giving me sweet little prods from all angles to keep me smiling.

Coming from a very loving and thankful place tonight. 

Be well to everyone and a massive thank you.

Melx 

Max Vs Mel

So... My last post was maybe 2 weeks ago and I can't help but ask myself, is this moment of still and calm a moment to record before shit heads towards me?

As I lay in cedar ward once again for my second consecutive night with my three pillows ( stolen from empty beds of course. )

I stretch out looking at the small tv screen wondering what way the decision will go.

My health and wellbeing are being examined to see if baby and me are to finish this pregnancy in separate places. 

Me - cedar / home

Max - N.I.C.U

I am 31 weeks tomorrow.

They have administered the steroids to help baby's lungs develop. They have scanned baby intensely to check weight (4lbs) and movement, blood flow and general health.

They are juggling my health issues currently. 

They fix one problem and then another appears. It's relentless and I am heavy medicated most of the time as that's how they seem to be trying to solve everything. 

I have 2 kids in school. One in his last year of secondary school. 

I am sitting  in a hospital bed waiting for the drugs to work or fail. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for what happened before. 

Waiting 

Who will win?

Max vs Mel

This feels like a little lose lose no matter how you look at it because as I have stated before I am anything but dull! 

Drama always on the menu

Hugs to all following my journey. 

Anything but dull...

... 

And boring. 

So the first 3 months of pregnancy the most excitement I had was throwing up in bizarre places. I made it through 24 weeks without an issue at my 24 week consultant appointment he said he didn't want to see me till 37 weeks and my midwife could look after me. He even said, "There is no problem- until there is a problem." 

And with that I went on my merry way. Weeks 25 and 26 were uneventful but had a few blood tests and glucose to latency test. As soon as these results came in - everything changed. Within a week I went from no problems to problems at every turn. 

My blood has funky antibodies that could hurt bubba. So off to kings collage hospital in London for more invasive screening and monitoring. 

Gestational diabetes - glucose tolerance was "extremely high" 

Possibility that I had diabetes before pregnancy - but who knows?! 

Blood pressure likes to go up and down. Protein in my pee one hour then none the next. 

So blood tests every week. Scans every week. Every other day at the hospital for 'ultra care' that means I get to go home most days but back up to hospital within a day! My pregnancy history has enough issues with my now 'complex' issues that make me 'interesting'.

I feel that my name is now known in the places I go. I get hugged at most appointments as I look run down by all the two-ing and throwing. Oh and because at some point I was probably awkward and snappy and moody to midwifes on the wards. 

My anxiety has different stages - the first is the moody awkward, short, bitch then I cry like a pansy. 

Then I apologise for myself winning over their hearts. 

Well not all hearts. 

My veins are hard to find. The baby in my belly moves constantly so on the monitor he wriggles off. I take a number of different medications for different reasons. 

Sooo

Another appointment at 9.30 am in the same place I was kept in last week. So fingers crossed I don't get kept in again this week! 

Today I got whopping cough and flu jab - left n right arm and anti D in my right leg. There was 6 people in my consultant’s office catching up on my care plan. 

I am anything but boring 

FEAR

As some might already know, I've suffered with anxiety for a few years now and on some level most people have felt what it's like, whether they admit it or not is another thing.

There are a few people out there that don't have time for people that suffer as they do not recognise it as a health issue. I have not got anything in particular to say to these kinds of people but only that I hope that one day they themselves never do suffer or have to watch a loved one suffer. Blah

Anyway…

I guess it can boil down to over thinking, over thinking every single little thing. The anxiety is like a horrid, insidious part of the mind - MY mind a part of the mind that I know is ME but it's like it's the worst parts of me or the person suffering. The entire negative coulda –woulda- shoulda parts of a person all collective in one place that feeds from all things fearful and looks for more things to fear. It knows you; it knows you worry so it throws out worry alarms that are totally irrational. A lot of sufferers, myself included call it 'my stupid brain' or 'my silly head' or 'head up my arse' or 'being stupid' most people that suffer will know that the stuff they are locking on to don't make sense as the rational side of the brain has learnt to batter down the 'stupid brain'. However, that part of limbo is head vs. feelings. The anxiety mostly is physical (for me) I hyperventilate and struggle to catch my breath. I've thrown up or had to run to loo as my tummy would literally fall out my arse. (Panic poos) Other sufferers can struggle to swallow and or throw up or feel nauseous. Some have all the above and or more, some sufferers only one or two but don’t be ignorant and think that just having one is not traumatic and life changing. Most sufferers that have once had an attack out of the comfort of your home just fear the idea of having that panic attack out and about or alone can then bring one on! 

So most suffers, I specifically create a safe place. I call this my bubble. Most will learn to think their way out of it with help of course. The mind can only do so much or just enough to get you past the physical attack. Then most have outlets for me writing - chatting to partner or family. I think for most it is just to have someone sit there and listen. Listen to me sound out the silly brain to say out loud it doesn’t make sense, as most anxiety don't make sense. Sometimes it's just over thinking over analysing over worrying a situation.

Think of it as seeing ten moves down the line. And by the tenth move it's all wrong and bad and a total tragedy thinking up the worst possible outcome. So of course, the want and need to go to the shops or a party is not always so easy to step out the door. You can see how quickly ‘silly brain’ can try and fuck you out of leaving your bubble. Plus after a 30 minute panic attack you are exhausted and in no mood to go anywhere. Most sufferers let it stop them doing 50/60 % of anything. Some sufferers push through it and live through more anxiety while out but tend to cope once arrived in a safe place. I personally don't think any one person can have only one safe bubble. I have my bubble people that help me feel safe as they know I suffer. Although, that is the simplest yet hardest solution. Telling people is hard. Being judged and have someone think ‘what's she got to worry about!?’ knowing there are ignorant closed minded people in the world is a fear feeding fear in its self. Stupid head don't like others to know as it spoils its plans to eat you whole. 

 

So I wonder if I've explained that well enough to be able to blog more about my own personal fears that are totally irrational, over thought and just down right stupid. But that's not to say my stupid brain is not super clever as it is very perceptive and occasionally loud and on occasion very convincing. 

So it can be easy to understand why some sufferers shouldn't be trusted to be left alone with their own stupid brains. This is when people do silly shit. 

So that is why some drugs are issued to help the physical anxiety be less intense or to delay or settle down down the thoughts. Therapies that promote calm - meditation - great way to train the brain to slow and of course breathing. There is ways to busy the mind with word search, crosswords. Doctors like to say exercise (lol) basically any positive focus to help ease the chance of an anxiety attack on set. Counselling and information allows people to recognise their own personal triggers, for some sufferers it can be small things like driving, trains, unexpected changes, loud places or sometimes just leaving a safe zone, some place new and unfamiliar. Every now and then you can't see it coming and it just kicks you in the teeth. 

For me I feel my medication helps me cope better with situations that can or have brought on attacks. When my meds are unbalance, I find things hard, or if I get hit repeatedly with situation after situation after situation. When it is one at time - yea I think I could hold it together enough to get on but anything more and it can spiral downwards very quickly. Tiredness is a massive trigger for me especially.

Anxiety although part mental with physical markers. It is exhausting! 

So my car broke down last Monday, started smoking from the left wheel on a very fast and busy road, this caused all kinds of stress as I hope you can imagine! Driving my car the first time today since it broke. I was sniffing the air and thought, 'omg that smell again' and my heart misses a beat and a sharp intake of breath that gets held till my brain says, “no chill out!, its fine!!” But too late! the seed is planted. I don't feel safe in the car. I start to drive slower than normal and overly aware. Totally un-enjoyable and can't wait to get home. It is hard work making my mind working hard to not allow all negative shit in. Headache - exhausted - need a lay down. 

And exhale…….

Until next time

Mel x

PLENTY OF CATFISH - 100 WORDS OF WRITING

The programme, ‘catfish’ should have been around years ago when dial up was a 56k modem and most people ran Windows ‘95/’98. When typing was a skill that was learnt, now it is a daily requirement.

People have not got more creative with lies and games behind the screen. People have become more arrogant and rude. Most people & some on POF think that saying and doing what they please is ok as the people they mock are noting like them.

How the internet world has distorted and how some people are still just stupid wankers.

THE PULL OF DARKNESS

There are dates in the year that I can not ignore. 

I dream of you now and then.

Your face almost looks like a question mark.

Maybe your time in my life didn't make sense.

It still kind of doesn't.

I know you were put there for a reason and I looked for the most obvious answers yet they were not meant to be. 

I still wonder about you but pain past felt allows the idea that what ever might be right now is your own fault.

 I think this is my way of helping me not feel reasonable for you.

Time passed by and memories of you fade out.

I met someone, his not that dissimilar to you only younger and taller and about 80% less of an arsehole.

I moved on passed any other milestones that were previously in place. With his help I found a nice tidy yet sometimes bumpy path on the other side of the dark, shadowy woods. 

Part of me hopes that you find your way out at some point...

 But I can't look back any more.

I can not hold on to comfort in darkness.

Looking back is easy and can appear as something that is safe as its familiar.

But the view is dark and not very hopeful.

Maybe you were there just to keep me company and you had to stay in that place while I HAD to get out?

Maybe misery really dose like company?

Is there something comforting about that place? Yes!

Could it of been you? Perhaps! 

Do I ever want to go back? No!

So this is me waving goodbye.

Goodbye to that place and goodbye to you old friend.

I don't mind being reminded of what I have overcome - Even if that had a connection to you.

I am grateful for your company and in some sick way you helped me find my way out the darkness. 

I am sure my thoughts will roam to you at times.

But don’t be mistaken as this will only be in a way that helps me see the light and happiness ahead. 

Melissa Laws

Hop, Skip and Jump

I am so thankful for the cool breeze! I feel like I am in an oven on the outside and I am cooking on the inside! 

This pregnancy is chugging along nicely. It has been ten years since being pregnant and yet it feels like I slept through that pregnancy. My memories of it are not flooding back very quickly at all. 

I lay holding my belly trying to remember being pregnant before and the only snips I really remember was fear, panic, date watching. I am not sure I got to enjoy my pregnancy with Charlie due to all the fear from my crazy and painful pregnancy with Robert.

I am enjoying each little prod and poke developing within me, getting stronger each day. I am almost 18 weeks pregnant and I am gaining baby belly lbs now. I feel I am wishing July away as the appointment we are all waiting for is at the end of July. Sometimes I sit and really take in what's happening and what is going to happen. I can't do this for too long as I tend to freak myself out a tad. I know my life as I know it will change and there is a small part of me that fears that change. On some level I have been avoiding any change for a number of years. I can't honestly say that all my emotions are in the right place just yet however; they are levelling out a bit everyday. Feeling a bit more like me again this is a good thing for everyone. 

Now new physical challenges await me. I have kinda, sorta   managed to do some damage control on the couple of pounds of weight I have put on my belly I struggled to pull the plug out the bath. Having weak and painful wrists hoisting my not so light self out a tub of water is starting to need a work up of momentum. Before pregnancy I wasn't ever a little woman but flexible due to yoga and some core strength. I feel those days have truly been and gone! Well, till post baby anyway. The nerve in my right arse cheek is still amusing itself with its cosmic jokes of hurting and tickling at the same time. Not always able to stand up and walk because of it. Find myself rubbing and jiggling my right arse cheek to help movement. This looks a tad odd whilst in Tesco. 

So now it's a hop, skip and jump to the 6 weeks holidays and years before I have dreaded this time, this time I am looking forward to it. 

Remembering my Nan and letting her know how much I miss her everyday I can now plan on Spending some time with my boys, enjoying some nice weather and some down time and family visits. 

TTFN

Mel x

Wooo

...

15 weeks and my belly is starting to feel weird!

I would like to say I breezed through my 1st trimester but it would be a big fat hairy lie. I basically I bitched, moaned, complained, puked, and dizzied my way through. I slept a lot a puked a lot I freaked out a lot I cried a lot I screamed a lot I had a numerous amounts of panic attacks. My mental state made me feel like I was losing it. After my brief but disturbing moments of insanity I would feel joy for the baby in my belly and remorse for how my behaviour was affecting my partner and kids. Despair, self hate and anger at my own actions towards them. 

It has been such a shitty place to be, credit love and thanks to my family for helping me through. They have all been accepting and supporting me, my partner for his constant positive projection, support and patients and my kids for forgiveness. 

Everybody including me was waiting for 12 weeks to hurry up as all my hormoany outbursts and sickness were likely to ease the fuck off. Much to the audible sigh of relief heard throughout the land when I finally started to level out leaving just a tired but happy vessel.

I was anxious about the 12 week scan. I worried to hear if our baby was doing well. I feared that baby would look like orc ( lord of the rings – the hobbit) after we had the scan and a lot of the anxiety drifted away when I see the baby was in ' normal' range for everything I felt I could relax a little. I gained a new state of mind after that day. Although tiredness is still keeping me as her bitch and I am still suffering with narcolepsy. Sometimes the idea of moving makes me want to lie down!  This is a lot of the time as I seem to be off to the loo every 15 minutes! And anything that involves me doing anything of energy is like training for the Olympics and completing the krypton factor!

I am exhausted just thinking about it!

Now my big issue is comfort. Although the scales suggest a weight loss, my clothes and peoples general ability to see, would suggest otherwise. My tummy feels 3 times bigger than before.  Sitting sometimes provokes a nerve in my right arse cheek - this is like a sick joke as it is like a funny bone. It hurts but it makes me laugh till I cry, whist trying to contain my tears of laugher and pain I am also holding my tummy through fear of pissing myself. 

Shouting stop stop is pointless as there is no one visible tickling me! Sleeping in bed has now become a task of getting in the right spot for coolness and comfort. However, our 3 cats seem to be on my arse-tails all day and night and so not only do I need to share the bed with Dave I have to tackle 3 bed hogging whore felines.

 Ignore our bedding being washed!

she sits in the sink in the downstairs loo and watches us..

Some might know I suffer with carpal tunnel. I take a funky opiate based drug for my pain. My medication has all been factored into my birth plan. I am hoping to have steroid injections into my wrists this month so I can reduce my medication before my due date. The medication caused my morning sickness to be highlighted, causing me to vomit very randomly. I end the end had a pink sick bowl all in grabbing distance. The crazy thing was I would feel sick all fucking day and not be sick or I would feel fine then come over feeling weird then spew up! Too much info? Sorry Also sometimes, the medication would cause small outbursts of giggles. 

This was sometimes brought on by my own sarcastic remarks and/or TV shows or face book posts and groups. In order to minimise the damage to the poor souls I live with I would hide in my games on face book. Causing me to become a little addicted and learning new curse words for the creatures in my games.

I know what you are thinking.....

I sound fun!!

So now I am week 15 and feeling a bit more in control of myself. I still have a cry and laugh mainly as I watch my Chinese meal be taken away as it makes me feel sick and this upsets me. Sickness still hanging around a little but it's more smells that just make me feel a bit Yuk and so I move along. 

I rarely finish a plate of food I don't want to smoke still yay me and Dave, as he stopped too. I can only stomach around 2 glasses of diet coke a day. I drink 3-4 litres of Robinson’s peach with barley juice. I am eating shit I don't like and turning my nose up at shit I love! 

Invasion of the body snatchers!!

No wonder I've not been feeling myself!

So now I have accepted these little changes and mentally adjusted my thinking about a lot of things to help me not go crazy. But my main source of reality is Dave, my family and tracking my pregnancy as this is why this is all happening and this makes me very happy every waking day. 

So that's it for today thanks for visiting my crazy journey. For those that do not have to ensure my face book posts here is a little information about what is happening to us (me, baby and Dave) this week.

Ha ha ha enjoy

Mel xx

This pregnancy info is sent to you, compliments of Health & Parenting Ltd

Your Baby
Your little one is now able to rub its eyes, yawn and even blink. If you eat or drink something that your baby doesn’t like, you may notice a tug on the umbilical cord – not really, but your baby now has the ability to grasp the cord. Your baby’s hairline is forming and hair is starting to grow on your baby’s head. Even the eyelashes and eyebrows are growing. If you’re hoping to find out the sex of your baby, unfortunately it is still too early, but it won’t take long. Even though your baby is hiccupping regularly, there is no sound produced as your baby’s windpipe is full of fluid at this stage. Your baby can also hear sounds now.


Your Body
Your body becomes prone to contracting the flu, colds, and other viruses during pregnancy. It’s not because you are not as healthy. Suppressing your immune system is your body’s way of ensuring that it does not reject the pregnancy. You will be gaining weight at a steady pace, but your weight gain should remain within the range discussed by you and your doctor. If you are carrying multiples, be sure that your diet reflects this. Your uterus continues to rise and by now you should be able to feel it slightly below your belly button. Some doctors will start to measure the distance from the pubic bone to the top of your uterus (fundal height) to track your baby’s growth. Other practitioners won’t start to measure the fundal height until week 24 of your pregnancy. Due to the rising uterus your digestive space is reduced and you may begin to notice symptom of heartburn. This can be avoided or reduced by eating smaller meals. 


Health & Tips
Now is the time to start sleeping on your left side as it helps to keep the blood flow between you and your baby at a maximum level. You may find that keeping a pillow between your legs helps, especially if you are suffering from sciatic pain as it takes the pressure off the nerve. Sleep is important, even if you’re not as tired as you were during the initial weeks. If you don’t want to go to bed alone, ask your partner to watch a movie or read beside you while you fall asleep. It’s also a great time to cuddle and make plans for your baby’s future.


Partner’s info
Many partners feel a little bit left out during pregnancy. The baby is growing inside her body, and everyone is solicitous of her needs. The best way to keep from feeling alienated by the baby-hype is to get involved. While you may be tired of tossing around baby names, make it fun by seeing who can come up with the most outlandish moniker. Read about pregnancy side effects and their remedies so you can problem solve with her as she experiences some of the less amusing aspects of pregnancy. And always communicate with each other about your individual needs – the best way to keep your relationship healthy!