No answer

I moan constantly about nobody’s listening. So as I sit in my hypercritical stance when I don’t want to listen.
She took the bottle of actifed she drank that shit straight down. Letting the thick cherry liquid land on her tongue.
Just need she says
Fuck this.. lots to do tomorrow. She rolls another fag while the effects rumble down her body, light headed arms feeling heavy. Eyes rolling back now and then. Bed time. She lays in her clothes and tells herself a story.
Dear loveable
I don’t know you really. I know a part of you. I kept an eye on you see what you been doing.

What I remember. We stopped talking. I asked you outright not to talk to me ever again.
You said you respect that. And fucked off.
Then you came back a few years later- Barry Weldon’s forum.
We posted on stuff sent cryptic messages till we spoke. You had moved away, rich was still at the house but the kids were coming to live with you soon.
Then you and a guy called doggs worked on a bingo site balls up bingo I think. You cashed in and got a little sports car! Bitch
You took your kids to Disney world Florida and you got married in a church. You moved again, you got a dog you stupidly let someone film you doing the cinnamon challenge! I’ve seen more vomit come out of you than my own kids!
You dealt with some family stuff you became a nanny.
You got great at your job
You maintained relationships and friendships you done well with your kids.
You have lived a life I watched it over the years. I knew not to accept that message I left it too long. It was either going to be the best fucking thing that could happen or the worst.

She laid down as slips her socks off, head wobbling stoped but must keep that lamp on.

We spoke on the phone a few years later I was sleeping with a guy called Paul. You spoke to him. How him and I met was via poker.
That was a pretty low point in my life your phone call pushed my feelings for Paul in a place he couldn’t go ( ex n kids) so I left that. Didn’t want to hear the words he had for me either. Luckily by the time I read his it was years past and I could drop that shit for good. I tried to be your friend but I then see my level of friend to you wasn’t as higher standards as I had. I wanted more. I pouted and moved on. Ignoring your email you sent ‘ thinking about you’
I think about you a lot. The last few days nickie nickie nickie so I left a message to say goodbye. I couldn’t just go without explanation.
But once I see awww Mel I am sorry it was nothing intentional. I respect your being candid with me. Thank you Nik I say something nice then that’s it. I message my cousin screen shot my go away message.
I see more messages coming up from Nik so I back out and delete messenger.
The messages 3 of them will be read but not by me. They will read them and tell me anything I need to know but other than that. Deleted. Stay away and leave me alone.

Eyes heavily open to see a random slow song on the vintage channel.
House of the rising sun. What could she have wanted to say in those three messages. I am sorry? That’s what my mind is pickling. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. My cousin will read them, delete them and tell me anything I need to know.
Then that’s that. If she sends another message request. Don’t accept it.
It’s done now. Please don’t ever talk to me again.




Names have been changed to make this storie more dramatic than it is.

ALWAYS CHANGING

Got to. Or you gunna get st.. st.. stuck!
stuck looking back. stuck in the past, stuck in the 90's. stuck in an idea, stuck in a place, stuck in a situation, stuck stuck fuckerdy stuck!
got to move forward. need to clean out the shit and rubbish that has been bogging down my essence, the spirit with nostalgic memories and feelings connected to item's and songs and everything that remind you of something you really need to let go of.
new eyes on a new sheet of paper. a new pen, a new book, new attitude, new outlook new results!
lets not forget the results.
this is the uncertainty that stops everyone in the tracks!
what if it don't work? what if i fail? what if i look like a twat?
what the fuck if!
i salute you with my right middle finger dear old friend. i listen to you so often it makes me sick to think how you ever had one over on me! i am the smartest person in the world! how did this happen??
firstly he told me that i was the smartest person in the world and not to listen to other people as they have no conception of why i am, well me. he used to be her. but she died and he took over. the darkness that nuzzles against me like a warm coat on a very cold day. it waits. it has no concept of time so i can't out wait it! i had to smash that bastard out my way. took some time. took some strength, took an unsettling deeper look at myself and my behaviours. took hard work, all that forgiving, all that guilt. all that negative shit that started to clog up the hallways. throw that fucking shit out!
easy said now. not so much. still in the throws of getting shit right so my work is not done yet. I might have my big toe on the correct path but only my big toe! trying. everyday i am trying.
I like to write and blog about things i ponder. i like to ask the questions out loud. i like to hear what people say. I sit in a room with no windows watching others do it better and quicker and more successful than me. I turned bitter i got twisted i started to see things differently. then i started to look harder. i am not sure if i found what i was 'looking for' so much as i found somewhere i can be. in the past i have been too extreme and too intense, too one thing or another. I am Melissa. call me Mel. i can say i fit in with most people and i am scared shitless of everyone else. i stay lonesome and outside but i am actually OK here. I wish i wasn't OK with it. i find it all so hard. its like added on top of what everyone else can do with such ease and i feel like i am not human at times.
bit heavy but all the same. i started to look at life. look it through a lense. could my life, me and my stupid adventures be seen as entertainment? insightful? learning curve!? having an individual view point of something that is worldwide is misunderstood.  some people see an argument or an uncomfortable conversation will irrupt from disagreeing with someone.
people get excited by disagreements now. we like to watch people get savage with each other as it makes us feel less shame for thinking, oh fuck off! i love you but please fuck off and leave me alone. or i don't like you. I don't like your attitude or the way you talk to people. or about people. we all do it, I try and apologize to most that i knowingly do it to. but human over here! makes mistakes. fucks ups repeatedly! and so the results show themselves. I am trying and that is all that matters. I get to try do it right most days. sometimes i fail. i am human. luckily we get to choose, change and challenge ourselves.
welcome to a new domain that it my little world. with life through a lense.

I have to leave this without a grammar edit as the door is driving me nuts. only had a few minutes till i had to get on!

FACEBOOK

Facebook according to me - Melissa Swaby and soon to give birth to a pen name and Character this will be my alter ego! My writer persona! My everything Mel too pussy to say!

So Facebook has become a very fascinating psychological study. Soon 'they' will issue some kind of bullshit study suggesting noticing certain behaviour. 'They' will teach joe public to notice some things about a persons profile. 'They' will constantly change the goal posts!
Firstly 'they' - probably a PhD connected to the government that has make up from some kind of agency they looks for 'suspicious internet activities.'
Secondly - this will be issued as a 'help keep safe online' they might even throw a 'for you and your family.' Spin in order to plant the seed everywhere!
Thirdly you can't have a final conclusion about something that is constantly used and can evolve in an incredible manner.

Serious how can you a, have a concussion in a study? And b, base fact over an individuals idea. That second one wasn't a question!

The idea,
Excellent idea! Perfect for old and young absolute genius is Facebook!
Sadly it can be used by predators looking for there pray. So the psychological profile of a bullshitting sociopath can be created.

Like myself - going to invent an alter ego- she will be a person - in my head- but am I that good a writer, psychological profile wannabe that I could fool people in thinking I was something I wanted you to see! Again sounds like a question but it wasn't!

Everyone on Facebook that uses it to stay connected- and I say that as there are people that have a Facebook profile bit literally never use Facebook or will scroll a feed once a week to 'get the low down.' On the people they have on there friends or people they like to know about. So almost everyone;) posts 'something' that shouts out something about how they think!

You are thinking now eh?! Are you a sociopath? Almost everyone is! We have to be. Anyway that's a different post!

How many people do you know that post selfies every- fucking day? According to some moron - these 'types of people' are narcissist!

Would YOU agree?

And again, 'apparently' some muggy melt suggests, 'a dissatisfied person' will post constant pictures of animals! Did you know that?

Haha course you didn't because I just made that up! But now you think about you know I am probably right on some level!
Anyway I don't really care if you do agree or not. This is Facebook according to me Melissa Swaby soon to be....

TS


P.S I know I sound like I have conspiracy theory! ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Talk to who about writing?

Who? Who do I talk to about writing?
I need to re-package my amazon page, pic on front and back, a full mind numbing edit and re arrange maybe a title change! My name change a re self publish process that is both painful and can be expensive!
I need to give it another chance with a new look and more stories in a bigger book of short stories. It's not like I've not got any! I have so many! In pen and on computers! I say computers because I have a file on my old desktop computer but it's broke and fuck knows how you get the hard drive out and in some place else! Again painful, expensive!
Where to start?
Need to PAY an editor to reset my mistakes, then pay the publishing service for a proof copy!
Do I know how to get picked up by a publisher? Kind of ish maybe I used to know how. Just a manuscript written in 10 aerial font with 1 and a half inch border around the outside ( for editor) and correct grammatical and punctual paragraphs that need to be set out in a very particular way! Oh yes the joys. Why I've been stalling to be honest. So I can do this on the cheap!! Fuck yea!! Easy! Erm
Anyone want to edit my work? For nothing? Or some cupcakes? Hair cut??


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:La la land

THE EMPATH IN ME

THE EMPATH IN ME

I've spoke about me so much on my blog but still wonder if anyone really knows me. I ask this question out loud today not because I am a narcissist but because I have only really started to know me so how could I assume others do? I find myself in a situation that has me stumped. So if I can't figure out  'who am I and what does that mean to me?' How could any of my nearest and dearest ever utter such as bold claim as to the knowing of me? 

Me, is an empath. Correction. Me, thinks it's an empath. Me, has researched this gift and spoke to others that feel as me does. Me, was called an empath at a party some 15 years ago. When me was asked why me does not drink. " I don’t need to drink, I can feel drunk off everyone here. I seem to absorb the feelings around me like a sponge." 15 years ago! Maybe longer. 

Some might think this is a load of bollocks, flimflam, utter nonsense. That’s up to them. There is a difference between being empathic and being an empath.  

The answer google with give you. 

On the surface, being an empath seems very similar to feeling empathy because an empath also have the ability to share someone else's experience. However, empaths tune into another living creature's experience intuitively, without relying on external cues to do so. 

Me - I can literally feel your feelings. I can sense the emotion from you and it can get stronger the closer to you I am. And not necessary in presence. Sometimes when thinking deeply about someone I can kinda sense if there is a strong feeling at the other end and can sense and identify ( now) emotion that’s not my own. This is very tiring and can change how I feel instantly.  

Have I ever rang you unexpectedly or been to see you or said, just had a feeling? Or called me spookie for knowing something? It took such a long time to recognise different feelings. To understand what was mine and what was around me. How to try and home into someones feelings so I could 'sense' the emotion over the actions or body language that didn’t make sense. It was a confusing time. I soon learnt not to try and sense someone else's feelings too deeply. 

It took me many many years to work this out. I was drawn to the feelings of others and for a few years I actually thought I was destined to be a counsellor.  I felt such a strong reaction to the different feelings and situations that changed how people felt. Allowing me to lower my walls to understand myself. This in turn allowed me to see that being a counsellor was not my direction. I was too sensitive for it. I felt everything around me and I felt every second of anxious thoughts, feelings, grief, despair, regret, guilt, pain, hopelessness, frustration and self loathing. Too sensitive? Or aware of my limits perhaps. It was emotionally and physically exhausting and felt me confused and drained. 

The more I studied the more I could identify my own feelings again I could separate the difference in feelings. I could desensitise to others and home in on my own. I feel this was one of the best things that could of happened to me.  

Rrecently I am reacting to a feeling or situation that I can sense.  I can't explain or work out the emotion or feelings of the sense and I cannot work out where it Is coming from. I seem to sense this feeling daily- now -and sometimes it is strongest when I am physically closer to my son.  

I'll figure it out. It's not the most uncomfortable of senses but I know when its there and when it's gone. So strong but different, so different. Anyways. There is a bit of me right there. Take it, leave it, throw it away.  

Love from  

Me

GETTING NOTICED

So whilst I shatter my child's dream I sit and reflect on the whole conversation and I wonder how I got here. Discouraging my son to see ' youtube channel dude' as a career  I found myself in full on rant. It went a little something like this, 

You can't gamble on such a thing as fame and being noticed Charlie, it's too fickle. People get bored too easily these days. If you are not doing something new and different or ' trending' you don’t get noticed! That’s a lot to gamble with. You get 12 years ( total guess work) at school. Why waste ( yes I said waste) your time on ' after school I am going to be a youtube challenger!'  !! 

 How about use that 12 years to learn something you can always keep. A trade. And get really good at that passion while keeping the youtube thing as just fun!  

Charlie, he argued his point in a valid manner but I wasn’t listening and so I went on ranting... 

Its just not worth the gamble Charlie, because then you have 12 years you can't get back, probably hundreds of pounds down from trying to get noticed by a sponsor, waiting to see if someone comes across your page or channel! 

I wrote a book Charlie! ( you can hear me say that with such emotion) I have a book on sale on amazon right now! But fuck if not even my own kids ain't got my website or blog saved on their favorites! None of family look at my writing!! You don't read my blogs Charlie noone does I could say what the fuck I wanted and no one is reading! And money? I think maybe I brought even on spend out to money back! In fact Charlie and it has been 3 yearsssssss since I' ve seen a cheque from amazon! The only money I made back from that was what my family brought!! 

And step out for some air.....