ALWAYS CHANGING

Got to. Or you gunna get st.. st.. stuck!
stuck looking back. stuck in the past, stuck in the 90's. stuck in an idea, stuck in a place, stuck in a situation, stuck stuck fuckerdy stuck!
got to move forward. need to clean out the shit and rubbish that has been bogging down my essence, the spirit with nostalgic memories and feelings connected to item's and songs and everything that remind you of something you really need to let go of.
new eyes on a new sheet of paper. a new pen, a new book, new attitude, new outlook new results!
lets not forget the results.
this is the uncertainty that stops everyone in the tracks!
what if it don't work? what if i fail? what if i look like a twat?
what the fuck if!
i salute you with my right middle finger dear old friend. i listen to you so often it makes me sick to think how you ever had one over on me! i am the smartest person in the world! how did this happen??
firstly he told me that i was the smartest person in the world and not to listen to other people as they have no conception of why i am, well me. he used to be her. but she died and he took over. the darkness that nuzzles against me like a warm coat on a very cold day. it waits. it has no concept of time so i can't out wait it! i had to smash that bastard out my way. took some time. took some strength, took an unsettling deeper look at myself and my behaviours. took hard work, all that forgiving, all that guilt. all that negative shit that started to clog up the hallways. throw that fucking shit out!
easy said now. not so much. still in the throws of getting shit right so my work is not done yet. I might have my big toe on the correct path but only my big toe! trying. everyday i am trying.
I like to write and blog about things i ponder. i like to ask the questions out loud. i like to hear what people say. I sit in a room with no windows watching others do it better and quicker and more successful than me. I turned bitter i got twisted i started to see things differently. then i started to look harder. i am not sure if i found what i was 'looking for' so much as i found somewhere i can be. in the past i have been too extreme and too intense, too one thing or another. I am Melissa. call me Mel. i can say i fit in with most people and i am scared shitless of everyone else. i stay lonesome and outside but i am actually OK here. I wish i wasn't OK with it. i find it all so hard. its like added on top of what everyone else can do with such ease and i feel like i am not human at times.
bit heavy but all the same. i started to look at life. look it through a lense. could my life, me and my stupid adventures be seen as entertainment? insightful? learning curve!? having an individual view point of something that is worldwide is misunderstood.  some people see an argument or an uncomfortable conversation will irrupt from disagreeing with someone.
people get excited by disagreements now. we like to watch people get savage with each other as it makes us feel less shame for thinking, oh fuck off! i love you but please fuck off and leave me alone. or i don't like you. I don't like your attitude or the way you talk to people. or about people. we all do it, I try and apologize to most that i knowingly do it to. but human over here! makes mistakes. fucks ups repeatedly! and so the results show themselves. I am trying and that is all that matters. I get to try do it right most days. sometimes i fail. i am human. luckily we get to choose, change and challenge ourselves.
welcome to a new domain that it my little world. with life through a lense.

I have to leave this without a grammar edit as the door is driving me nuts. only had a few minutes till i had to get on!

FACEBOOK

Facebook according to me - Melissa Swaby and soon to give birth to a pen name and Character this will be my alter ego! My writer persona! My everything Mel too pussy to say!

So Facebook has become a very fascinating psychological study. Soon 'they' will issue some kind of bullshit study suggesting noticing certain behaviour. 'They' will teach joe public to notice some things about a persons profile. 'They' will constantly change the goal posts!
Firstly 'they' - probably a PhD connected to the government that has make up from some kind of agency they looks for 'suspicious internet activities.'
Secondly - this will be issued as a 'help keep safe online' they might even throw a 'for you and your family.' Spin in order to plant the seed everywhere!
Thirdly you can't have a final conclusion about something that is constantly used and can evolve in an incredible manner.

Serious how can you a, have a concussion in a study? And b, base fact over an individuals idea. That second one wasn't a question!

The idea,
Excellent idea! Perfect for old and young absolute genius is Facebook!
Sadly it can be used by predators looking for there pray. So the psychological profile of a bullshitting sociopath can be created.

Like myself - going to invent an alter ego- she will be a person - in my head- but am I that good a writer, psychological profile wannabe that I could fool people in thinking I was something I wanted you to see! Again sounds like a question but it wasn't!

Everyone on Facebook that uses it to stay connected- and I say that as there are people that have a Facebook profile bit literally never use Facebook or will scroll a feed once a week to 'get the low down.' On the people they have on there friends or people they like to know about. So almost everyone;) posts 'something' that shouts out something about how they think!

You are thinking now eh?! Are you a sociopath? Almost everyone is! We have to be. Anyway that's a different post!

How many people do you know that post selfies every- fucking day? According to some moron - these 'types of people' are narcissist!

Would YOU agree?

And again, 'apparently' some muggy melt suggests, 'a dissatisfied person' will post constant pictures of animals! Did you know that?

Haha course you didn't because I just made that up! But now you think about you know I am probably right on some level!
Anyway I don't really care if you do agree or not. This is Facebook according to me Melissa Swaby soon to be....

TS


P.S I know I sound like I have conspiracy theory! ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Talk to who about writing?

Who? Who do I talk to about writing?
I need to re-package my amazon page, pic on front and back, a full mind numbing edit and re arrange maybe a title change! My name change a re self publish process that is both painful and can be expensive!
I need to give it another chance with a new look and more stories in a bigger book of short stories. It's not like I've not got any! I have so many! In pen and on computers! I say computers because I have a file on my old desktop computer but it's broke and fuck knows how you get the hard drive out and in some place else! Again painful, expensive!
Where to start?
Need to PAY an editor to reset my mistakes, then pay the publishing service for a proof copy!
Do I know how to get picked up by a publisher? Kind of ish maybe I used to know how. Just a manuscript written in 10 aerial font with 1 and a half inch border around the outside ( for editor) and correct grammatical and punctual paragraphs that need to be set out in a very particular way! Oh yes the joys. Why I've been stalling to be honest. So I can do this on the cheap!! Fuck yea!! Easy! Erm
Anyone want to edit my work? For nothing? Or some cupcakes? Hair cut??


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:La la land

THE EMPATH IN ME

THE EMPATH IN ME

I've spoke about me so much on my blog but still wonder if anyone really knows me. I ask this question out loud today not because I am a narcissist but because I have only really started to know me so how could I assume others do? I find myself in a situation that has me stumped. So if I can't figure out  'who am I and what does that mean to me?' How could any of my nearest and dearest ever utter such as bold claim as to the knowing of me? 

Me, is an empath. Correction. Me, thinks it's an empath. Me, has researched this gift and spoke to others that feel as me does. Me, was called an empath at a party some 15 years ago. When me was asked why me does not drink. " I don’t need to drink, I can feel drunk off everyone here. I seem to absorb the feelings around me like a sponge." 15 years ago! Maybe longer. 

Some might think this is a load of bollocks, flimflam, utter nonsense. That’s up to them. There is a difference between being empathic and being an empath.  

The answer google with give you. 

On the surface, being an empath seems very similar to feeling empathy because an empath also have the ability to share someone else's experience. However, empaths tune into another living creature's experience intuitively, without relying on external cues to do so. 

Me - I can literally feel your feelings. I can sense the emotion from you and it can get stronger the closer to you I am. And not necessary in presence. Sometimes when thinking deeply about someone I can kinda sense if there is a strong feeling at the other end and can sense and identify ( now) emotion that’s not my own. This is very tiring and can change how I feel instantly.  

Have I ever rang you unexpectedly or been to see you or said, just had a feeling? Or called me spookie for knowing something? It took such a long time to recognise different feelings. To understand what was mine and what was around me. How to try and home into someones feelings so I could 'sense' the emotion over the actions or body language that didn’t make sense. It was a confusing time. I soon learnt not to try and sense someone else's feelings too deeply. 

It took me many many years to work this out. I was drawn to the feelings of others and for a few years I actually thought I was destined to be a counsellor.  I felt such a strong reaction to the different feelings and situations that changed how people felt. Allowing me to lower my walls to understand myself. This in turn allowed me to see that being a counsellor was not my direction. I was too sensitive for it. I felt everything around me and I felt every second of anxious thoughts, feelings, grief, despair, regret, guilt, pain, hopelessness, frustration and self loathing. Too sensitive? Or aware of my limits perhaps. It was emotionally and physically exhausting and felt me confused and drained. 

The more I studied the more I could identify my own feelings again I could separate the difference in feelings. I could desensitise to others and home in on my own. I feel this was one of the best things that could of happened to me.  

Rrecently I am reacting to a feeling or situation that I can sense.  I can't explain or work out the emotion or feelings of the sense and I cannot work out where it Is coming from. I seem to sense this feeling daily- now -and sometimes it is strongest when I am physically closer to my son.  

I'll figure it out. It's not the most uncomfortable of senses but I know when its there and when it's gone. So strong but different, so different. Anyways. There is a bit of me right there. Take it, leave it, throw it away.  

Love from  

Me