Smelly bitches! Wow stink fest!
Sigh*
yes there is more. I know right. I don’t blog for 2 months and then bam
bam bam I knock out 3 in
one morning. I figured fuck it, just let it all go.
So basically I have to stop hating me, or hating the new me.
Or stop hating the fact that the real me has flaws. It is funny thing
forgiveness. More recently my mum and I had a conversation about forgiveness
and holding grudges. Something’s are hard to let go of. Even if I went around
to each and every person I had done shitty things to or said shitty things to or
behaved in a shitty way towards (if they would even talk to me) would I be able
to forgive myself for the things I have done?
That is the question I
am working on this week.
That brings me on to the other more dominating stress in my
life. Forgiving someone else for doing something shitty to someone I love. How do
I forgive my son’s blood relation for leaving, not once, not twice but four
times over his 13 years? Some might think the reason behind him leaving could warrant
such an act. What if I were to say they simply choose their new family over
their son?
Would that make the ability to forgive harder? Should I be
blogging about this? Probably not But it chews me up inside. Having started to
question myself and my actions in an attempt to make sure I am doing the right
thing and not being a bastard. I often run thoughts and feelings by family and
friends. I am sure they could well get the hump with this as it seems to be
happening a lot. what I can not forget is, my son’s pain and I watch him still suffer
to this day with ideas of abandonment, desertion and rejection. Now the fact my
son’s blood relative has crawled out from whatever rock they were under for the
last 4 years is the reason for the internal debate of what is the right thing
to do for my son.
This hangs heavy in my heart and mind a lot these days. Perhaps
I should not be connecting my own internal need to forgive myself with the
actions of someone else. For some strange reason it is hard not to. It feels
like a hypocritical contrition. Forgiveness is forgiveness right? Regardless of
the reasons behind the actions that cause for the forgiveness.
I have often said life is all about timing and I feel that
this timing between the two things I am struggling with is a test for me. I do believe
in god and I do believe in paths and I wish I could separate one thing from the
other but what if this is my test on forgiveness. Can I ever forgive the pain
they caused my son? Can I ever forgive myself? I guess time will show that as most things reveal themselves at some point.
One thing I can tell you is that the clumsy idiot is still
very much me. I still repeatedly do really moronic things and embarrass myself
endlessly. Only yesterday, early on set dementia caused me to leave my cash card
in the chip n pin doodahh in the shop. Being screamed and yelled at to come back
to a massive line of customers that were waiting for the cashier to hand me my
card back. Nice. smile and wave boys... just smile and wave. So much for my
wanting to be invisible eh.
So this is me signing off for now.
It breaks my heart but Jesus is all about forgiveness. I pray that Jesus will forgive him for what he has done.
ReplyDeleteGuarding yourself from being hurt be it physically or mentally is part of human nature. Fight or flight. Wanting to protect your children is also a part of any parents lives. You need only forgive yourself for your failings as we all have to. Let the other people deal with their own trespasses.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has a mask of some kind that they put up for different people. The things you don't say or do infront of certain people. We all have to battle with a perception of who we are. You are not alone.