DIVVY DUCK

Food has been a topic spoken and thought about a lot more recently. While I was over thinking about food and my constant moments of unadulterated melidiot moments I remembered a few more that combine the two. I clearly had suppressed these memories due to the mortification I felt at the time. However, looking back on them now I can see the funny side. In order for me to share these moments, I will be enlighten you with some facts about my private dating life. Some of you know some aspects of my private life as I clearly talk too much about some things. Although, some family members choose to not want to know about this part of my life and that is fair enough. Just thought I would throw the warning out. Don’t worry there is no sex plus food innuendo (cough) so don’t panic. Just me being a total div while eating or ordering food!

So top of the bill was a few years ago now and I was asked out by a very sweet guy. This guy happens to be the most intelligent guy I have ever met. Probably one of the best looking blokes as well. What he ever saw in me, to ask me out, became clear at the end of the night!


He picked me up and we went to a very swanky restaurant to which I was not properly dressed for and so I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had blonde hair at this point! The guy, who still remains a very close friend of mine, worked well at making me feel less out of place. Yet, when the menu came in front of me I almost choked on my water. He wanted to order wine but I went with water and diet coke. He had red wine. The menu was not in English. I laughed and watched him mull over the menu before I sheepishly told him I couldn't read the menu.  I thought that this might surprise him but it didn't seem to faze him at all. He seemed rather pleased! He just waved his hand and said he would order for me. Bad move – never let anyone order for you!

It was not long before our food arrived. (Some pink shit floating around in some white shit, with green shit floating in the white shit.) I poked at it I must have had a look on my face. He said “its salmon in a parsley and cheese sauce.... try it Mel it will feel like velvet in your mouth.” (At this point I was thinking omg you smooth bastard but fish? Fucking fish? Did he want to kill me? ) I swallow and put my knife and fork down.  Sheepishly – again I whisper I don’t like fish. The look he gave was not so understanding (please let the ground open up and swallow me whole) he waves for the server to come over and tells them the situation then orders something else. (Sounded like he said duck.)I might not have been able to read the foreign menu but I sure as shit see the prices. (Holy fucking shit!) I felt stupid and out of place everything inside me was screaming to leave.

It didn't get much better, I picked at my duck a l'orange (not so nice btw) and then he ordered desert. Fuck knows what it was, but I am sure it had booze in it. I picked at that too but kept on drinking water to help drown the taste out of my mouth.

At the end of the evening I could not do anything but apologise and laugh at myself. He seemed to enjoy my idiosyncrasies and wanted to go out again some time. I was shocked (handsome and smart he must be on drugs or something)   so I asked,” omg what on earth do you see in me?” he didn’t hesitate before answering, “You have great tits.”